I DreAm in ShAdes of Violet

It has been a good day, for the most part. I've been tired, obviously, and I dont want to go to work, but I must. It was nice today, because a lot of people were happy to see me, at one point this morning I was bombarded by people all trying to talk to me simultaneously. But it made me happy. I got to wear my new outfit, and I got compliments! I was happy! hehe. Well, I have to go to work now :(....til later,
DeAnna

ok, everyone please note the time....I am officially an insomniac...

Hola ladies and gents....
I had a wonderful night at the theatre. We have a teaser poster for charlie and the chocolate factory. Hehe...Johnny Depp, awesome outfit, even better top hat, classic cane....ooooohhh yeeeeaaa.....We have that and the Episode III teaser poster in the lobby...it takes me like 15 minutes to cross the lobby now. I mean, I just cant bring myself to walk by and not stop to take a quick peek....which turns into a gander....which turns into a dazed stare....hehe. On a more serious note, I am concerned about one of my friends, she appears to be really down, and I dont know why, although I do have a feeling that it about a certain person. Grr. I'm getting off that topic, until I know what is wrong I cannot do anything to fix it. so, yea, I have been in charlotte for a while. and guess what..I recieved only one email....I love you jennifer...Jon, you liar...:P! yea, I didn't get much sleep. I watched a lot of movies, all but one of which I had seen already. Woohoo! I talked them out of spider-man like 5 times! I have seen that movie far too much!
Well, it's late, and I have school tomorrow. Much love to you all...
DeAnna

Stuck here another night on the couch...plans for tomorrow shot. Yet another night of lying on the couch, flipping through the channels on the MASSIVE tv with the AWESOME surround sound turned way down....all 842 satellite channels....last night, as I lyed there at two in the morning, I thought..."When you have insomnia, you are never really asleep..." I giggled. Then I sat there and thought myself to sleep. want to ralk to jennifer, I read her website, and it concerned me....well, I must go, I have a lot to blog about, but not now, not on this archaic computer...much love to you all....
DeAnna

Before I forget, I'm gonna be in charlotte until friday night, but my grandfather has the internet, and I'll try to get on and blog some and check my email, PLEASE email me, anyone, everyone, most of the time I have nothing to do there so it would really help...*pouts*....anyway..on to other things...
Ok, so today was a very good day. Some bad things, but more good things. I slept during 1st period, sat and gossiped about gay guys during 2nd period(trust me, gay guys are sooo lucky...b/c they get the other gay guys, hehe), third period i got to chat w/ C-tina and take an easy test, and fourth period I pretty much just sat there and knitted and joked with jennifer the whole time. On top of that I got to meander about with shelly for a while, she gave me a...should I say it....nah, I wont....she gave me a letter, and it was happy, so it made me happy. My presence was acknowledged by certain people. I got to see aaron for a bit, and get a hug(with complimentary kiss on the neck) from him. Ohh, and I also got to make many a girl jealous with my walking down the hall with Shane, and then standing there with him for a while and giving him about four big hugs. Hehe, I find it so amazing how in high school you will attract so many female friends simply by being a little cuddly with a foxy football player. Hehe. What they don't realize is that, as far as I'm concerned, that kid is un-dateable! He's a sweet guy, and a great "bodyguard" at work, but he doesn't have the name Shane "not-so-brightwell" for nothing. Let people believe what they want, I dont care, we find it amusing. Anyway...work tonight was interesting, to say the least. The main computer of the theatre went on strike, it said it couldn't work under these conditions. So I worked in the box office, handwritng tickets, doing the math in my head, tallying how many tickets I sold for each time of each movie, and making sure not to sell more tickets than we had seats . It was insanity. But I handles it admirably, I believe. I got to help remove the spongebob paintings from the window. It kinda made me sad to see the huge spongebob go...I thought I did a pretty good job painting him...ah well. I was thinking about watching alexander tonight, but i changed me mind. It was too long, I would have gotten home at like 3:30 in the mornin'! (hehe..."tree tirty"...), sorry, It's late, but I'm happy, and I'm being random....
ok, it's late, and there was some going ons today that I must go think about...(no, jennifer, dont ask....I wont tell you)...much love to all, and to all a good night.

Ok... I worked with this dude named tyler tonight, and I really dont get along with the kid very much, but it was kinda cool tonight, b/c something special happened...

making tyler do theatre and b-room checks:$6/hr
making tyler sweep the lobby:$6/hr
making tyler clean all the bad theatres:$6/hr
Having the manager give you authority over tyler all night: priceless
HeHe.

Anyway's while I was not busy at work, I kinda came up with this list of things that make me happy...and I decided to type it here, but, um...I came home, and it's kinda late...and, I guess I'll do it tomarrow...til then
DeAnna

Yes, I allowed Jennifer access to my blog once again. She has brought to my attention that you cannot comment unless you have a blog....that means only one person I know can comment, If you want to , then email me alwaysdream@bellsouth.net, or IM me AlwAysDreAmA. If you want me to post what you say, I will. as for the day, in short b/c I have to go to work, it was basically bad, and I tried to say something, and was ignored, and yea, just not a good day in general. I'll probrobly put some more when I get home from work tonight, till then,
DeAnna

"Thank You"

I thought that I could always count on you,
I thought that nothing could become between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,

We’d be alright,
We’d be ok.
But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back
Yeah!

I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every lesson that you have to learn.
I won’t forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things,
I wish I’d never seen.
But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I’ll never be the same again
So thank you for showing me,

That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me
Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back

When the tables turn again,
You’ll remember me my friend,
You’ll be wishing I was there for you.
I’ll be the one you’ll miss the most,
But you’ll only find my ghost.
As time goes by,
You’ll wonder why,
You’re all alone.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, for all the times you let me down
So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, your friendship you can have it back


Jennifer HERE...I am bored in Astronomy and I just failed a test so I am writing on Deanna's web-site. I like the lyrics that I just put up here. I am sending it out to one of my friends "so-called" I'm not calling any names, but that is ok. They probably will never read this anyway. I MUST RUN NOW! I am taking up too much space on Deanna's Website. LOVE YA ALL FOR YOUR UNIQUE REASONS. Good-Bye to all and to all a good night.

Jennifer called today, she told me I need to talk to him. What she doesn't understand is that I wanna talk to him, I really do...but what do I say....how....where??? and the worst question of all, what if he ignores me? She has gotten my hopes up now...I dont want them shot down. It's scary...I mean, I wanna just ask him if he hates me, or if he misses me, but I'm afraid that he will choose the former. I dont know what to do... We'll see how I do tomorrow.

When I went to take Jennifer her stuff this afternoon, I ended up taking her to a party that she was going to. I knew that the guy was going to be there. I didn't think about this at first, at first I was doing it simply so I could delay going home, but when I remembered it, I was somewhat upset, and somewhat happy. It is hard to understand, really, I didn't really want to go any more, because I was afraid I'd see him. At the same time, however, I was afraid nt to go, and not to see him. I do not avoid him because I dont want to see him. I do, a LOT...but...I dont think he wants to see me. And it's because of that, that whenever I see him, I am sad. It's something that cannot be understood unless you are in my shoes. I see him, and he used to see me walk in, and he'd smile, but now, I don't know what he does, because I try not to look at him too much. I know that if I do i will miss him even more. During class he will turn around and talk to stacy a lot, and he likes her a lot. That makes me happy for him. He smiles when he's around her, and I like that. I've come to the conclusion that she has taken my place. He doesn't miss me. He will never come close to missing me as much as I do him. He doesn't care enough for me to do that. People have said that he misses me, but I dont know if I believe it. It's hard to imagine that he does. I dont know if I would miss me. I think he miss having someone that would bring him aftertaste sandwiches, and cheescake, and other things. I'd miss someone doing that sort of thing, too, but he doesn't miss me. I bet he hasn't done hardly anything where he said " I wish DeAnna were here...", but if you keep up with my blog at all you will know that I have been several places, and done several things where I wished he was there. I miss him so. When I dropped Jennifer off at that party, he was inside, and I knew it. A car pulled in behind me in the driveway, and tried to go around me, but ended up halfway in a ditch halfway in the driveway, so I couldn't get out for a while. A lot of the people came outside to help with the ditched car, and I was half worried, half hoping he'd come out there. I almost wanted him to know I was there, to see his reaction, if there was one. I've been told he misses me, and I want to believe it...but it is so hard to....there are so many reasons not toI mean...Why would he? And on top of that, my trust of people in general has gone down. I mean, there is something that must be understood, I NEVER cry over things like this, I never cry over me. Especially when it comes to guys. I always say that the only guy that deserves your tears is the onethat will never make you cry. But it was almost precisely a month ago (10/20-no I'm not a creepy person who keeps up w/dates, I looked back in my blog) that I was over at jennifer's, and she spoke to him on the phone, and he said some things, he mentioned no names that I know of, but iit seemed to me that he clasified me into a group that was just...horrible. This was a certain group of people that he wanted to get rid of. So when I heard that, I deciede to go, as he wanted. I was sitting there at jennifer's house, completely shattered. I dont even think Jennifer realized it. The person who had managed to bring me even the tinyest bit of self confidence had ripped it all away in a single instant. I was back to square one. I had to fight so hard, man, I left as soon as I could, buut I didn't even make it out of her driveway, no not the dirt road, the driveway, before the tears began to fall, and they continued, I even had to stop somewhere before I got home and sit for a while so that I wouldn't still be crying when I got home. I knew that losing someone I had held so dear was going to be so hard, and painful. But I had done it before, i could do it again.I tried everything I knew, I tried being mad at him, I tried simply trying to forget....and yet here I am, a month lateer, writing about him for the God-knows-how-manyeth time in my blog. And I've shed tears over it about as many times. I was getting there, but there was always this slender bit of hope in the back of my mind....maybe he hadn't meant me...maybe he doesn't want me to go...maybe he actually misses me....But I was finally beginning to give up on it, after a hard struggle, when someone I trust comes to me and tells me he misses me. I was so happy the moment she said it...It took me a minute to comprehend it. I didn't believe her at first, then I did, and I became childishly giddy for a while, then my denial kicked in, and now I am just not sure about anything. I was so proud of myself, because, though I did think of him every day, it was becoming less and less. But then jennifer told me that, and today I got to speak to him and he spoke back, and we waved, and he smiled, and I could look him in the eyeand every one of those memories and those hopes that I had tried so hard to push away came flooding back in an instant. It was both terrific and terrifying in the same instant. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding, everything was a blurr. I miss him so much, and I had so much to say, but I couldn't, not yet, and not like that. I want him to speak to me because it's what he wants, not because he is following orders. My insane happiness was promptly followed by the realization that he had been doing just that. He wasn't wanting to speak to me, he simply did not want to deny jennifer. But now they are back again, those memories, and opes, and they keep weaving their way into my thoughts, and I just...I just dont know what to do....*sighs*... It's late, I'm ending it here, this has just been one long ramble, I'm sorry, goodnight
much love,
DeAnna


"I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire
To point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication"_TOOL, schism

so I was walking out of school, and I went a way that I'd end up seeing the guy, you know which one I'm talking about, and Jennifer was walking with me, right? So, as we go to walk by him, I just kinda look down, and start to walk by, but jennifer stops me, nudges me, looks at him and is like "WAVE, IT CANT HURT!!!!" So I, being totally nervious, upset, mad, and childishly giddy at the same time, wave quickly, say a swift hi, and walk on. then proceed to hit her with my purse, turn the corner, and lean against the wall, regaining my composure. She doesn't understand how it is for me. It has been so long since I've even been able to look him in the eyes...and today I got to....but...it was....forced, on his part. I've had to work so hard on being able to walk by and not say anything, he holds this sort of gravitational force thing for me, I am automatically attracted to where he is at, and I had to control it, and then jennifer ruins it. I dont want him to be forced to talk to me, I hant him to talk to me b/c he WANTS to, and now he doesn't...but now I have to go, jennifer called and needs her stuff out of my car...until later...
DeAnna

Ahhh...nearly all of the sad things that I put in my blog over the last while are not to be worried about now. All things concerning a certain person, anyway. My happy world was turned upside-down a while back, because I found out that someone that I cared for greatly (and believed that they returned it) didn't care for me at all, and he wanted me to go away. He started flat-out ignoring me, and I was very upset. I was upset because I had allowed myself to believe that someone cared for me. I never hated him, I never disliked him, I missed him. I absolutely adore his company, because I didn't have to change me any for him to like me. I got to let down my deanna "happy" act for a while and actually BE happy. I missed that. I thought that the happiness that he had shown when I was around was all fake when he started ignoring me. that grieved me, a lot. He never looked at me, never spoke to me, never acknowledged I was there. He told a friend that he was acting wierd to get rid of his "following", and I thought he considered me a part of that, so I did as he wished, and went away.
Then.....last night happened....
I was online, and jennifer gets on, and Ims me, and she says he misses me. I think she is kidding,but she is like, "no, I'm on the phone with him, an he misses you, badly, and he is sorry..."etc. I almost cried. My heart was pounding, I felt like I was in an alternate reality......it hadn't been all a lie... It was real. All of my sadness was instantly replaced with pure, childlike giddiness. I found out that he wanted to talk to me, but had a reason why he couldn't, but it would all be over soon, and I had her tell him that when it was, I'd be here, and she told me that that made him happy, which is what I want. She told me today that he had brought me up...and that shows me that he was in fact thinking of me. I miss him, I thought he didn't miss me, but he does. He says there is a reason, I believe him, and I will be here when he decides that he can speak to me again. Until then, I shall be content to know simply that I am missed...
much love,
DeAnna

He misses me....and I shall go to bed happy....

I understand that it has once again been a long time, but the two times I've tried to get on, my pc has screwed up. Hopefully now it is ok. Plus I cant go in the living room right now because the show my mom is watching has a ventriloquist dummy on it. So, I , being a Automatonophobic will not join in her viewing pleasures. I'd like to sleep peacefully tonight. Nightmares are bad. OH YEA, speaking of which, I went to this site that was supposedly giving helpful information about automatonophobia to people with it or people who know them, and guess what it had when I scrolled down.....A HUGE PICTURE OF A DUMMY!!!!!!!!I FLIPPED!!!!!ohhhhhh, the memory of it gives me the heeby jeebies....turns out it was this big joke, those jerks! GRR!! But anyway, I'm trapped here in this 3x3 foot area, hiding from the tv, here at y computer, I cant get to my room b/c I have to pass by the tv, and I am not taking the chance of seeing the dummy, no, that'd be bad! So now I blog.....
I stayed out of school today. I felt like crap. But I am feeling much better now. I made brownies. I want to take horseback riding lessons, and my cousin owns horses, and keeps them at this stable where they give lessons, so it shouldn't be too hard to get in with them, that's cool.....you know... the thing that has been running through my head all day is "does anyone miss me right now, is anyone wondering where I'm at???" Sydney probrobly is, but she is probrobly also mad at me, leena may be curious, but she has the library dude to keep her company. Stacy is probrobly curious, momentarily, then goes over and chills with Brian, whom she likes better than me anyway. Emily probrobly misses mecuz she is all alone at that table in 2nd, without someone to talk to, and the girl must talk, the gossip queen....love you e$! Does jennifer wish I was there so that I'd be there, or does she simply wish I was there so she didn't have to ride the bus. Does Shelly even notice I'm gone? If she does, does she care? Jamie, nick, noelle, jason, and all my other friends probrobly don't even notice I'm gone. I wander if there is some guy at school that I don't know about that is sitting in class wondering where I am at like I have done for so many others before. and that leads me to the question that popped into my head the most...did he even notice I was gone, you know who I'm talking about, did he even care that I wasn't in school, was he concerned, or was he happy that he didn't have to see me? I miss him, a lot. I wish things were the way they used to be, but at the same time I don't like the idea of living in this big huge lie. I actually believed it this time. I believed that someone actually cared whether or not I was there, that someone called ME when they got bored, that my presence made someone else happy, instead of simply indifference to my being there at all. But in truth this person didn't like me anymore than anyone else. In fact, they liked me less than nearly anyone, he hated me, but he lead me to believe that he didn't. I miss the lie, I really do, cuz the truth hurts like ----. oh well, as a country song once said, tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain....
For the most part, I've been very happy today, don't get me wrong with my little blurb earlier. It concerned me earlier when I visited Jennifer's Webpage and she said her life was falling apart. (I adore jennifer, and I know she reads this, so jennifer, I mean nothing bad by this I promise, just something that you said and it made me think about it...) You know, sometime in your teenage years, maybe earlier or later, your world will "fall apart". When it does, it is hard for you to see anything past the dilemmas you currently have, and you realize that your world will never be the same. You know what....you are right. Your world will never be the same, because after the first time that your reality as you know it comes to an end and a new, possibly very similar, possibly completely different one takes over, you are at least one step closer to being , for lack of a better term, grown up. I believe that you are never fully done growing up, done learning, experiencing new things, and changing. In my point of view, you are never "Grown-up," but you do eventually become prepared for the so called real world. I think that you reach that point very close to (if not the same) time that you realize that there will always be times when your world falls apart. The big changes in life are going to come, you can't stop that, What matters is not what happens, it's what you do afterwards, whether you decide to pick up the pieces and rebuild, or just remain a shattered person. Whether you get up and walk it off, or forfeit the game before half time gets here. That's what makes you, that's what decides who you are. If you ask a lot of people about times of struggle in their life, times when their world fell apart, they will tell you that, later down the road, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, and they are actually glad that it happened because of the lesson it taught them. So, Yea, if you are in a place, and you think that your world is falling apart, just remember that, even though it is hard to imagine, it will end, and it will get better, and when it does, it will be even better than it was before. Just remember that it is just a cloudy day, and tomorrow will eventually come, and when it does, the sun will shine brighter than ever before! Back to that song:
Tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
so bring on the rain!

Alright everyone, I know that it has been a really long time, but I've finally got time to blog some. The fun thing is that it is during class! Yes, I am in astronomy now....aren't I such a studious person?! Today has been a good day in the world of DeAnna. It is a Monday, so naturally I have been half asleep all day. I got gum stuck to my shoe earlier, which was entertaining to those around me, but I didn't find it too funny. I wish I could have gone to the renaissance festival this Saturday, it would have been fun to go. I think Jason went, he and I have a lot in common. He is al about one of my friends right now, and he feels like crap because she keeps ignoring him. I've been there. I know the feeling, all too well. It sucks. Anyway...I went out to eat with Jennifer and her parents on Friday. Afterward we went to the mall for a little bit, where I saw Duck for the first time in a long time. We found a computer where you can get online at the mall. It was very interesting. Afterwards I had them drop me off back at the olive garden so that I could use the bathroom before I went to my car....and I just happened to see phillip and say hi....imagine the chances of him being there when I went in....
On saturday I worked all day, I got to see Jeffery, that made me happy, he works with me but he hasn't worked in a LONG time. I got to see a trailer for Star Wars Episode III. It looks awesome! That night I went to Nick's birthday party. Let me tell you, stoned potheads in Halloween costumes playing and singing rock music can be quite entertaining. I got to see Brian M., and Casey, and Nikki, I haven't seen them in forever. I miss them so much. I got to see Danny, too. He has a girlfriend now. That's cool. It blows all of my plans out of the water, as far as prom goes, but that is ok. I came into this year knowing that I was neither going to have a prom date nor a boyfriend this year. Why would I? It would make no sense and the balance of the world would be thrown off because it is a basic law of physics that anything with a y chromosome is repulsed by me. I've come to accept that. And if they aren't, then they simply see me as a walking vagina. Speaking of which, I saw Jon on saturday. He had his new girlfriend with him. That was interesting. That night at the party I was happy, because I got to see a bunch of people, and it was fun and all, I enjoyed watching "Nightmare Before Christmas", but everybody else had someone that they were watching the movie with, and that they were just with at the party, and i didn't. Not like a date or anything, just a buddy, and I missed my friend a lot. But oh well, he doesn't miss me, he hates me and wants me to go away, so I am gone. It just goes to prove that my whole y chromosome/DeAnna repulsion theory is correct. I still kind of miss being able to hang out with someone, and not think that they thought of me as a complete weirdo, but all of that is gone now. Ah well, such is the bread of an everyday life...., I'm tired of typing now...but in summary, I've had a fairly good weekend....until next time, Keep on DreAming,
DeAnna Kelly

OK, guys, I promised a talk about something I contemplate often, but right now I really don't feel like depressing myself more. I am actually in a good mood right now. Over the weekend I was reminded for a while of that which i cannot have again, and also of why I cant have it. It was great and it sucked all at the same time. But enough of that, on to better things. I was hit on this weekend. By someone attractive! In a nice way! It was awesome! The kid must have problems, because he wanted to see ME! He must be desperate for some reason. I don't know. It's not like I really like anybody right now anyway. I kinda like a couple of people. Nobody will know until later though. I know who I want to come to prom with me. I dont want the dude that some of my previous posts have been about. He's changed. I'm still in love with the guy that I originally fell for, but he's not that guy anymore. I've come to that conclusion. It's like there are two of him, and I don't know which one is the real one. Anyway.....I dont know if the person I want to come with me would even consider it. He graduated already, and if he does come, it'll probrobly be with someone else. He was really sweet last year, and danced the last slow dance with me. It made me incredibly happy. I dont want to go alone again this year. I dont want to have to go off to my corner and cry again when that song plays....the one that reminds me of chris. That was like two hours of make-up down the drain. It sucked. but I couldn't help it, I felt completely alone. I don't want to do that again. But I have no way to stop it. Nobody would ever even consider going to prom with me. Not even the especially nice person that I want to go. In case anyone is wondering, it is my theatre friend Danny. He is a sweetheart. But I wouldn't want to burden him by asking him to come with me, because even if he said yes, it would be out of pity.....I dont want that.
Wow....I've been rambling in a bad way. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm tired, so I'm gonna go now, I'll see if I can get on tom. to type some more.....until then,
DeAnna