I DreAm in ShAdes of Violet

When I went to take Jennifer her stuff this afternoon, I ended up taking her to a party that she was going to. I knew that the guy was going to be there. I didn't think about this at first, at first I was doing it simply so I could delay going home, but when I remembered it, I was somewhat upset, and somewhat happy. It is hard to understand, really, I didn't really want to go any more, because I was afraid I'd see him. At the same time, however, I was afraid nt to go, and not to see him. I do not avoid him because I dont want to see him. I do, a LOT...but...I dont think he wants to see me. And it's because of that, that whenever I see him, I am sad. It's something that cannot be understood unless you are in my shoes. I see him, and he used to see me walk in, and he'd smile, but now, I don't know what he does, because I try not to look at him too much. I know that if I do i will miss him even more. During class he will turn around and talk to stacy a lot, and he likes her a lot. That makes me happy for him. He smiles when he's around her, and I like that. I've come to the conclusion that she has taken my place. He doesn't miss me. He will never come close to missing me as much as I do him. He doesn't care enough for me to do that. People have said that he misses me, but I dont know if I believe it. It's hard to imagine that he does. I dont know if I would miss me. I think he miss having someone that would bring him aftertaste sandwiches, and cheescake, and other things. I'd miss someone doing that sort of thing, too, but he doesn't miss me. I bet he hasn't done hardly anything where he said " I wish DeAnna were here...", but if you keep up with my blog at all you will know that I have been several places, and done several things where I wished he was there. I miss him so. When I dropped Jennifer off at that party, he was inside, and I knew it. A car pulled in behind me in the driveway, and tried to go around me, but ended up halfway in a ditch halfway in the driveway, so I couldn't get out for a while. A lot of the people came outside to help with the ditched car, and I was half worried, half hoping he'd come out there. I almost wanted him to know I was there, to see his reaction, if there was one. I've been told he misses me, and I want to believe it...but it is so hard to....there are so many reasons not toI mean...Why would he? And on top of that, my trust of people in general has gone down. I mean, there is something that must be understood, I NEVER cry over things like this, I never cry over me. Especially when it comes to guys. I always say that the only guy that deserves your tears is the onethat will never make you cry. But it was almost precisely a month ago (10/20-no I'm not a creepy person who keeps up w/dates, I looked back in my blog) that I was over at jennifer's, and she spoke to him on the phone, and he said some things, he mentioned no names that I know of, but iit seemed to me that he clasified me into a group that was just...horrible. This was a certain group of people that he wanted to get rid of. So when I heard that, I deciede to go, as he wanted. I was sitting there at jennifer's house, completely shattered. I dont even think Jennifer realized it. The person who had managed to bring me even the tinyest bit of self confidence had ripped it all away in a single instant. I was back to square one. I had to fight so hard, man, I left as soon as I could, buut I didn't even make it out of her driveway, no not the dirt road, the driveway, before the tears began to fall, and they continued, I even had to stop somewhere before I got home and sit for a while so that I wouldn't still be crying when I got home. I knew that losing someone I had held so dear was going to be so hard, and painful. But I had done it before, i could do it again.I tried everything I knew, I tried being mad at him, I tried simply trying to forget....and yet here I am, a month lateer, writing about him for the God-knows-how-manyeth time in my blog. And I've shed tears over it about as many times. I was getting there, but there was always this slender bit of hope in the back of my mind....maybe he hadn't meant me...maybe he doesn't want me to go...maybe he actually misses me....But I was finally beginning to give up on it, after a hard struggle, when someone I trust comes to me and tells me he misses me. I was so happy the moment she said it...It took me a minute to comprehend it. I didn't believe her at first, then I did, and I became childishly giddy for a while, then my denial kicked in, and now I am just not sure about anything. I was so proud of myself, because, though I did think of him every day, it was becoming less and less. But then jennifer told me that, and today I got to speak to him and he spoke back, and we waved, and he smiled, and I could look him in the eyeand every one of those memories and those hopes that I had tried so hard to push away came flooding back in an instant. It was both terrific and terrifying in the same instant. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding, everything was a blurr. I miss him so much, and I had so much to say, but I couldn't, not yet, and not like that. I want him to speak to me because it's what he wants, not because he is following orders. My insane happiness was promptly followed by the realization that he had been doing just that. He wasn't wanting to speak to me, he simply did not want to deny jennifer. But now they are back again, those memories, and opes, and they keep weaving their way into my thoughts, and I just...I just dont know what to do....*sighs*... It's late, I'm ending it here, this has just been one long ramble, I'm sorry, goodnight
much love,
DeAnna


"I know the pieces fit
'Cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame
It doesn't mean I don't desire
To point the finger, blame the other
Watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together
Rediscover communication"_TOOL, schism