8.28.2006
Mood of the Moment: Tired
Music of the Moment: Stone Sour- Bother
Seanie leaves for basic this week. The horny little brother that years ago I came to know and strangely enough love. He is leaving for basic this tuesday. I thought tonight as we were chillin' at the theatre about how much the both of us have changed since I first met that retard. It's an amazing thought, it truly is. Probrobly even more funny is the fact that I met Sean and Breezy years ago, yet they have not affected me as much as the other brothers. I include Justin in that. I mean, of course there is obviously Stephen, who took me to Heaven and the dropped me into Hell repeatedly...and showed me exactly how much I can take, and completely broke my heart...but I still care about him more than I think even he will ever know. And there is Justin, who for some strange reason not only doesn't mind my presence but seems to enjoy it. He is living proof thet there really are still good guys on this earth, and it makes me so amazingly proud every time he calls me his sister. And then of course there is Jared, whom I am almost afraid to speak of here simply because I know that he may read it. Jared is someone I would trust with my life and everything in it. Whether he knows it or not he has become the voice inside my head a lot of times, and I don't really mind that at all. *smiles*And to boost his ego...he too broke my heart in a way....but that's another story...heh, I hate valentines day...
But back to the point: I think I'm just going to attach ,yself to Sean's leg on Tuesday morning. It may not be able to necessarily physically stop him, but I know that if I were wrapped around Sean's leg, he'd suddenly feel very inclined to stay here. Thus, the problem of yet another brother leaving shall be fixed.
About the problem I mentioned in my last post: on friday night I stayed over at Sean's Mom's house and over the course of the evening I got positively shitfaced. In the process of the alcohol taking affect the thoughts of what I wanted kept getting stronger in my mind. I just thought about how much I want to fight for it, I realized I really do. But I also knew that I couldn't...Not without turning into someone I hate. I thought of the three things holding me back. I can't fight...not this time. I'll let it go, and one day I'll look back at it and wonder how it might have affected me...but I'll get over it....I know I will...I can take it...
God this probrobly makes no sense...I hope it doesn't...it should only make sense to one person, and I don't think he knows that this exists...so yea...
anyway...I have to get up in less that 2.5 hours, so I'm gonna go try to sleep...
peace,
~D~
Music of the Moment: Stone Sour- Bother
Seanie leaves for basic this week. The horny little brother that years ago I came to know and strangely enough love. He is leaving for basic this tuesday. I thought tonight as we were chillin' at the theatre about how much the both of us have changed since I first met that retard. It's an amazing thought, it truly is. Probrobly even more funny is the fact that I met Sean and Breezy years ago, yet they have not affected me as much as the other brothers. I include Justin in that. I mean, of course there is obviously Stephen, who took me to Heaven and the dropped me into Hell repeatedly...and showed me exactly how much I can take, and completely broke my heart...but I still care about him more than I think even he will ever know. And there is Justin, who for some strange reason not only doesn't mind my presence but seems to enjoy it. He is living proof thet there really are still good guys on this earth, and it makes me so amazingly proud every time he calls me his sister. And then of course there is Jared, whom I am almost afraid to speak of here simply because I know that he may read it. Jared is someone I would trust with my life and everything in it. Whether he knows it or not he has become the voice inside my head a lot of times, and I don't really mind that at all. *smiles*And to boost his ego...he too broke my heart in a way....but that's another story...heh, I hate valentines day...
But back to the point: I think I'm just going to attach ,yself to Sean's leg on Tuesday morning. It may not be able to necessarily physically stop him, but I know that if I were wrapped around Sean's leg, he'd suddenly feel very inclined to stay here. Thus, the problem of yet another brother leaving shall be fixed.
About the problem I mentioned in my last post: on friday night I stayed over at Sean's Mom's house and over the course of the evening I got positively shitfaced. In the process of the alcohol taking affect the thoughts of what I wanted kept getting stronger in my mind. I just thought about how much I want to fight for it, I realized I really do. But I also knew that I couldn't...Not without turning into someone I hate. I thought of the three things holding me back. I can't fight...not this time. I'll let it go, and one day I'll look back at it and wonder how it might have affected me...but I'll get over it....I know I will...I can take it...
God this probrobly makes no sense...I hope it doesn't...it should only make sense to one person, and I don't think he knows that this exists...so yea...
anyway...I have to get up in less that 2.5 hours, so I'm gonna go try to sleep...
peace,
~D~
8.25.2006
Mood of the Moment: I have no freakin' Idea
Music of the Moment: prayer of St. Francis of Assisi as sung by Sarah Mclachlan
People irritate me...
Like, specific ones, and sometimes I don't even know why...just, their presence...it's like nails down a chalkboard, even though I do my best to not think that way.
but that is just a side note to what is on my mind...
He said some things tonight that I denied with every fiber in my body...
But...
They struck a nerve.
Of all the people to seem to make sense...why was it him? The one person that I care for greatly, though I generally want to hate him. The person that I am not in love with...but thought I was.
Why did he have to throw a doubt in my mind? A doubt about a certainty that he himself originally made me believe...
Hmm...this has nothing to do with he and I, funny enough...I think in a way both of us were over each other long before we ever broke up...
No...this conversation really had nothing to do with him, that's another crazy part...and later some of the things that Jared said validated the thought even further...
Something that had not even crossed my mind before...the idea of fighting for something I want, not for something that would make others happy, not for something that I believe to be an inalienable right of some sort...just something I really want...something to make ME happy...even if I know that it could hurt others...others that I would do anything to see them NOT hurt....and to what point and purpose? I mean, why fight for something just to have the thought shot down because you find can never have it? or why fight to achieve something and have it for a while just to find out later that it was all fake and you never really had what you wanted at all? or why fight to get something you want just to get it, completely and fully, to be so blissfully happy that you have gotten the one thing you want most.....just to lose it later? What is the point. Why cause ripples just to regret it later?
There is no good answer to those questions, and thus my decision is made...
no ripples...
no problems...
that's that...
God, I know that the only people who might possibly ask me to explain what this is about are the only people that I can't explain this to...
*sigh*
Funny old world, isn't it...
Much Love,
Going to bed,
~D~
Music of the Moment: prayer of St. Francis of Assisi as sung by Sarah Mclachlan
People irritate me...
Like, specific ones, and sometimes I don't even know why...just, their presence...it's like nails down a chalkboard, even though I do my best to not think that way.
but that is just a side note to what is on my mind...
He said some things tonight that I denied with every fiber in my body...
But...
They struck a nerve.
Of all the people to seem to make sense...why was it him? The one person that I care for greatly, though I generally want to hate him. The person that I am not in love with...but thought I was.
Why did he have to throw a doubt in my mind? A doubt about a certainty that he himself originally made me believe...
Hmm...this has nothing to do with he and I, funny enough...I think in a way both of us were over each other long before we ever broke up...
No...this conversation really had nothing to do with him, that's another crazy part...and later some of the things that Jared said validated the thought even further...
Something that had not even crossed my mind before...the idea of fighting for something I want, not for something that would make others happy, not for something that I believe to be an inalienable right of some sort...just something I really want...something to make ME happy...even if I know that it could hurt others...others that I would do anything to see them NOT hurt....and to what point and purpose? I mean, why fight for something just to have the thought shot down because you find can never have it? or why fight to achieve something and have it for a while just to find out later that it was all fake and you never really had what you wanted at all? or why fight to get something you want just to get it, completely and fully, to be so blissfully happy that you have gotten the one thing you want most.....just to lose it later? What is the point. Why cause ripples just to regret it later?
There is no good answer to those questions, and thus my decision is made...
no ripples...
no problems...
that's that...
God, I know that the only people who might possibly ask me to explain what this is about are the only people that I can't explain this to...
*sigh*
Funny old world, isn't it...
Much Love,
Going to bed,
~D~
8.21.2006
Here's a few quotes for ya....they all keep running through my head...
Sometimes life is so perfect isn't it? It has to be to make up for all the hard stuff it throws your way. You have to learn to walk you have to learn to talk, you have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you, you have no say in the matter. But when your a little older even though you get to choose your hats; you don't get the pick what they put in thoughs meatballs in the cafeteria, or when to fall in love. Things happen. And you just have to deal.
Let's just consider the day that Steve and I broke up as "big ugly hat day".
***
How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold...
***(the classic)
Thank you for curing me of my rediculous obsession with love
Sometimes life is so perfect isn't it? It has to be to make up for all the hard stuff it throws your way. You have to learn to walk you have to learn to talk, you have to wear that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you, you have no say in the matter. But when your a little older even though you get to choose your hats; you don't get the pick what they put in thoughs meatballs in the cafeteria, or when to fall in love. Things happen. And you just have to deal.
Let's just consider the day that Steve and I broke up as "big ugly hat day".
***
How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold...
***(the classic)
Thank you for curing me of my rediculous obsession with love
8.20.2006
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen
yep....that's about it...
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen
yep....that's about it...
8.15.2006
My heart is not broken. That isn't the proper thing to say. No, the best way to truly describe how I am right now is this: My soul, my life, my love, everything inside of me that I have to give has been viciously ripped out...and it is still with someone else. Even though he doesn't want it. I keep trying to get it back...but I can't...he doesn't seem to know that he has it...well...maybe he does, and he just doesn't care. He's broken right now...and it is not me that did it...I think that that is what hurts worse...I don't know how to help him...and I know he doesn't want me to. He has everything of me, and it seems that he has given everything to her...only to find that she didn't want it. Seeing him like that as I drove away, and knowing I could do nothing about it, killed me. When I see him I keep acting like I'm ok, I've convinced most everyone. But in all truth I can't eat, it just comes back up, I can't sleep because he haunts my dreams, I can barely breathe...it feels like I have to mentally tell my lungs to expand and my heart how to beat, because they have lost the will to do it on their own...I don't want him back, really, I mean, God knows that I would love it, but I just want him to stop hurting...I want him to be ok, I want him to be happy, I realize now that I can't do it, I just wish I knew who could...I don't know what to do...
Today's the day
When dreaming ends...
Another hero.
Another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
Whatever happens
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache
Another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
The show must go on
The show must go on
Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that holds
Our final destiny
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the
On with the
On with the show
Today's the day
When dreaming ends...
Another hero.
Another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
Whatever happens
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache
Another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
The show must go on
The show must go on
Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that holds
Our final destiny
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the
On with the
On with the show
8.09.2006
Mood of the Moment: Pretty content
Music of the Moment: none, just the sound of time splitters future perfect in the background
Ok, so here are a few of the high points from the last time I blogged:
*alot of my friends are moving away to college soon, which blows...
*I got my brother back
*My Disexylc self is currently reading a very long and daunting but still very interesting book, the Fountainhead, thanks to the aforementioned brother.
*I have officially concluded that I have another brother, Justin, who is also quite awesome and is also leaving for college soon....the freaking douche monkey...
*Not long after I informed Justin that he was my brother as far as I was concerned, he was also informed by Stephen, Jared, Sean, and Breezy that they considered him as a brother(only that process was much more painful...but he is healing quite nicely now)
*oh yea, I got my brother back
*I have both met and become strangely attached to My brother's girlfriend, Sarah. She is really sweet, quite talented, and very beautiful, and wierdest of all is that she seems to be a girl that genuinely likes me(in a completely heterosexual way). Those who know me know that I dont have but maybe a couple of female friends, I don't trust them, I'd rather chill with one guy that is obviously wanting to bone me than with 10 seemingly sweet caring girls...simply because chances are that 3 of those girls are wanting my boyfriend because they think they can take him, 2 of the girls don't want my boyfriend but they do think they are better than me and are there with me to make themselves feel better, and the rest of them are there because they want to be just like one of the aforementioned five....at least the guy is honest. *realizes she has veered off topic* Anyway, Sarah seems to be none of the aforementioned categories, which means she has cool points in my book. This means, of course, that I do hope she doesn't hurt my brother, because I'd really hate having to turn her into a pile of goo...
*speaking of my brother... I got my brother back
*After completing a marathon of Cowboy Bebop...I have a great love for that show...
*I recently discovered that Nightmare Before Christmas is coming to the big-screen in 3D in October...I'm pretty sure I had a miniature orgasm upon hearing the news
*In mid July I took a trip to Maryland with Steve and his family...it was one of the best vacations I have ever taken. Over the course of a week we only got into one fight, it was over a monopoly game...the lesson I learned: Do not play monopoly with Steve, and if you do, let him win.
*A week or two after I got back from Maryland, I bought the Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly game, I played it that night with Stephen and both of my brothers(with both of whom I can now talk freely), the same argument ensued, and I am officially now pretty much dead set against playing that game with Steve.
*I finally got brave the other night and had a very long, very important, and quite private talk with the one I love. A lot of things were said, and actually listened to, on both ends. All that needs to be known by my dearest readers is that I, in essence, stated that the "first time" we went out I was on top of the world, and everything was perfect, and that I missed that. I then pretty much said why I thought it was so different now and why I thought it seemed to be getting worse. He agreed to all of these things...and more importantly, we both swore to do the things that we both agreed would help, shall I say, fix it. Since that night, we have not argued once. If you are one of the few people that I talked to about me and Steve, then you will understand why the thought that we have gone even a few days without fighting makes my eyes well up in happiness. In short, there is still quite a bit of work to do...but...well...I love him, with every bit of me...and I'm willing to work for him...and it looks like he is willing to do the same...so yea...wish me luck, and if you are the praying type, do that too...
*my sister is leaving soon, it makes me want to cry...it really does, I try not to think about it...I'm quite afraid of her forgetting about me...I know that she'll be alright though, with or without me, she's stronger and greater than she gives herself credit for and I think she'll figure that out soon.
*I got my brother back
*Steve and Jared are prob. gonna be moving into an apartment in Foxcreek soon, I will miss Steve terribly...like, there is no explaining it...hopefully he will miss me as much...
*and I'm spent
Much Love,
~D~
Music of the Moment: none, just the sound of time splitters future perfect in the background
Ok, so here are a few of the high points from the last time I blogged:
*alot of my friends are moving away to college soon, which blows...
*I got my brother back
*My Disexylc self is currently reading a very long and daunting but still very interesting book, the Fountainhead, thanks to the aforementioned brother.
*I have officially concluded that I have another brother, Justin, who is also quite awesome and is also leaving for college soon....the freaking douche monkey...
*Not long after I informed Justin that he was my brother as far as I was concerned, he was also informed by Stephen, Jared, Sean, and Breezy that they considered him as a brother(only that process was much more painful...but he is healing quite nicely now)
*oh yea, I got my brother back
*I have both met and become strangely attached to My brother's girlfriend, Sarah. She is really sweet, quite talented, and very beautiful, and wierdest of all is that she seems to be a girl that genuinely likes me(in a completely heterosexual way). Those who know me know that I dont have but maybe a couple of female friends, I don't trust them, I'd rather chill with one guy that is obviously wanting to bone me than with 10 seemingly sweet caring girls...simply because chances are that 3 of those girls are wanting my boyfriend because they think they can take him, 2 of the girls don't want my boyfriend but they do think they are better than me and are there with me to make themselves feel better, and the rest of them are there because they want to be just like one of the aforementioned five....at least the guy is honest. *realizes she has veered off topic* Anyway, Sarah seems to be none of the aforementioned categories, which means she has cool points in my book. This means, of course, that I do hope she doesn't hurt my brother, because I'd really hate having to turn her into a pile of goo...
*speaking of my brother... I got my brother back
*After completing a marathon of Cowboy Bebop...I have a great love for that show...
*I recently discovered that Nightmare Before Christmas is coming to the big-screen in 3D in October...I'm pretty sure I had a miniature orgasm upon hearing the news
*In mid July I took a trip to Maryland with Steve and his family...it was one of the best vacations I have ever taken. Over the course of a week we only got into one fight, it was over a monopoly game...the lesson I learned: Do not play monopoly with Steve, and if you do, let him win.
*A week or two after I got back from Maryland, I bought the Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly game, I played it that night with Stephen and both of my brothers(with both of whom I can now talk freely), the same argument ensued, and I am officially now pretty much dead set against playing that game with Steve.
*I finally got brave the other night and had a very long, very important, and quite private talk with the one I love. A lot of things were said, and actually listened to, on both ends. All that needs to be known by my dearest readers is that I, in essence, stated that the "first time" we went out I was on top of the world, and everything was perfect, and that I missed that. I then pretty much said why I thought it was so different now and why I thought it seemed to be getting worse. He agreed to all of these things...and more importantly, we both swore to do the things that we both agreed would help, shall I say, fix it. Since that night, we have not argued once. If you are one of the few people that I talked to about me and Steve, then you will understand why the thought that we have gone even a few days without fighting makes my eyes well up in happiness. In short, there is still quite a bit of work to do...but...well...I love him, with every bit of me...and I'm willing to work for him...and it looks like he is willing to do the same...so yea...wish me luck, and if you are the praying type, do that too...
*my sister is leaving soon, it makes me want to cry...it really does, I try not to think about it...I'm quite afraid of her forgetting about me...I know that she'll be alright though, with or without me, she's stronger and greater than she gives herself credit for and I think she'll figure that out soon.
*I got my brother back
*Steve and Jared are prob. gonna be moving into an apartment in Foxcreek soon, I will miss Steve terribly...like, there is no explaining it...hopefully he will miss me as much...
*and I'm spent
Much Love,
~D~
