I DreAm in ShAdes of Violet

ok, so in case you didn't notice, I was not the author of the last post, I allowed my friend to have advertisement space on my blog. Aren't I sweet? Anyway. MY most recent post was on a day that I was simply sad, and tired, I didn't want to type anything, but at the same time I wanted everybody that cares to read this to know that I miss my friend. I did. I still do. Even after such a confusing day as this one......
This morning, I walked into school at around twenty 'till, early, but later than my usual. As soon as I step in the doors of the hallway that my class is on I see, down at the other end of the hall, him. He is walking in my direction. It is obvious that because the hall is crowded that we are going to have to get within a foot of one another. I bite my lip, take a deep breath, and look down at the floor, my usual stance for passing him. But what I get isn't just a quick pass by him, Instead he stops me! He opens his mouth and words come out! I was beyond taken aback, I was outright SHOCKED(cough, cough....yes Josh, that's how you spell it...)!!!!!!! He showed me the book. He was obviously excited. He was excited to the point that he forgot that he hates me.....there for a moment he fell back into the old routine of pretending he thought I was actually anything resembling cool. I thought momentarily that he was out of his "don't speak to DeAnna" phase, but being as he said nothing more for the rest of the day, I understand that it isn't a phase, it is his way of life now. That's cool I guess. I don't get it, I don't like it, but if he's happy then I'll deal with it. It's what I'm good at. I was looking forward to Halloween with him around. It was gonna be cool. But oh well. Noelle took it upon herself to talk to him for me. He told her something that I've known for a while now, but now I'm simply certain of it: She asked why he wasn't talking to me, and his reply was "I don't care". Yeah, he doesn't care. It's what I've been saying all along. I was right. Ah well.
On to other things......I worked with cutie-petutie Mark last night :-*! It was nice, he's a sweetheart....but 25, so off-limits. That sucks. Jennifer, who refused to let me take a picture of her has a surprise coming sometime soon, when I get the stuff to do it........because I got a good enough picture when I surprised her one time! That makes me happy. I'm trying to find something to do with one of emily's pictures, I've got an Idea about one, but I'm not sure. I want a picture of shelly. I wish jennifer wasn't so camera shy, I have a couple of ideas for stuff I could do, but she'd have to pose in the picture, and she won't do that. ah well...... Hehe...I keep giving her little dandelions, and she doesn't get why, but I have a reason. I wont tell it here, because I know she reads this, but if anyone wants to know, simply do the comment thingy with your email address, and I'll send it to you.....if you are interested. so yea, I know I had more to say....but I'm leaving that until next time, cuz I'm tired of typing. I'll leave a preview though : yesterday friend and I were talking about death, not morbidly, but like, how you'd like to go, how old you'd like to be....etc. I'll post about that on the next time....until then....keep dreaming......
Much love,
DeAnna

I have a link here to one of my friend's web-site. It's COOL. Visit is if you dare, too!!! If you visit all that she asks is that you please comment to the address on the page - If you can't find the address there then her e-mail is Skatergirl2W@aol.com - PLEASE VISIT AND COMMENT!!! This is my final plea - OK so after all of that here is the address: http://www.hometown.aol.com/Skatergirl2W Thanks for all of your help and I hope that you continue reading...Thanks AGAIN

"Everybody dies alone"
I miss my friend....

"When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I 'm a creep
I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
(S)he's running out again
(S)he's running out
(S)he run, run, run run Run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here."_Radiohead

Today was cool, for the most part, but this song has a special significance to me now. My car is now the only one working in the family. I went to TGIF, I had some pina colada-y goodness, that was yummy. But it has really been a boring friday night, like I used to have, before I had a friend to do stuff with, and now I once again have nobody to do anything with. That's what sucks. But I'm happy. I wish my friend Jennifer would let me take a picture of her and shelly, it'd be so cool if I could get it. but they just wont let me. I'm talking to one of my friends right now. she thinks I'm drunk. Does she not know my Heritage!? I'm both Irish and Scots. Now she is being upset, the thinks she is not good enough because no dudes like her. She is one of the best people I've ever met. In ways she is a very brave soul, in others she is lacking in self confidence. She is Dangerously selfless, which is honorable, but hard to do. It wears away at you, and it has her. She speaks of death far too much for my comfort, and I have a fairly high tolerance.....if I can put up with the people that I used to, than I can put up with a lot. You dont know what it is like to see cuts on someone you love's wrists. It hurts, alot. but back to the point. My friend is a wonderful person, one day she will hopefully realize that. Right now she is trapped in her selfless nature to the extent that she cares what other people think of her, and thinks that that is the same as caring for them. but I've learned that you dont have to care what someone thinks of you, to care about them. Sometimes in order to do what is best for a person you must do something that will make them despise you, and it hurts, more than words can say, but you must have enough self confidence to make it through. She'll get there one day, I know she will, she is strong, very strong, and very beautiful, and simply wonderful, now all she needs is to figure that out.
Well, for some reason after saying that I feel much better....so tah-tah for now,
DreAm on,
DeAnna

He's almost through getting rid of "his following" but he still has a few more to go......Well......as of tonight....he has one less to worry about, For i never was, and never will be, in anyone's "following"...
You dont pretend like you like hanging out with someone and then say that they are just another part of your annoying "following." That's using me, and my kindness. When you are like me you know everybody, but very few people actually like to be around you. It's an unfortunate side affect of being uncool and unattractive. So let's say you meet someone who is at the opposite end of the spectrum and they actually seem to like hanging out with you, then it's really cool. To begin with, you like this person, as in you are "in like" with them, but then you talk, and they tell you they think of you as only a very good friend. YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, so therefore it really doesn't bother you that much. You guys hang out more, you have a lot in common, so you do a lot together, it's cool. He tends to be randomly annoying at times....he says he has to be, so that you won't be "in like" with him anymore. He asks you if it's working, you say that you never said that......and he looks disappointed. Taking his reaction to the thought that you still like him into consideration, you decide it's time for you to give up on the slender amount of hope that you had before. He meets someone at a party, you can tell he like them in some way, you are happy for him. You never get involved, but if he were to ask you, you'd say "go for it, be happy." But he doesn't ask you, he assumes that the answer you gave a while back was still in effect. he doesn't know that your feelings for him are those of friendship. I respect him, and at times you wish you could be more like him, only in the form of a girl. He doesn't know that you have had girls that like him come up to you and be like "you are his friend, do you know who he likes???" and every time you have been like "I don't know, but you should go for it, I'm pulling for you, hope it works out, you'd be cute together...." etc..All of these girls now belong to his so called "following". So yea, you go on your merry little way, one friday night that you know he is with the girl that he met, and you really don't mind, you go out to a festival thing, you arrive alone, but you only stay that way for a little while, some dude named Kameron is there. He's cool. He and you walk around a lot, he buys you a necklace and a hot chocolate because you are cold. It's cool. You enjoy yourself. you give and receive a number at the end of the night, and all is well. Saturday rolls around, you go to work, go to a baby shower for a VERY good friend of yours. Leave there, the night is young, you call the guy, and find out he is at a friends house. Ok, fine with you, you find something else to do. You are over at your cousins' house, helping them move out, when your friend (who is a girl, who likes the guy) calls saying he is over at the friends house, with the girl from the party. This is slightly confusing b/c he tells you that the girl from the party is annoying, but then he goes and does stuff with her anyway, but it doesn't really matter to you that much. You don't really have any contact with them on sunday. In school o monday.....you do not exist, your presence is barely acknowledged. This lasts for days. On wednesday, you get worried. You hear that he is aggravated with his "following" and he is trying to get them all to go away. (his "following" is basically a group of girls that like him and hang around b/c they think they have a chance, he is too nice to tell them to buzz off)At first you think that there is no way you can be included in that group....the only person you are a follower of is Jesus, and this guy is definitely not Jesus. But on wed. night, he talks to one of your mutual friends. She says that she hear's that his "following" is trickling away. What does he say......"there's still a few more to go...." Yea....at that point, you realize, you are grouped with them, the people about which he couldn't care less about. He doesn't even like you as a friend. It was all a lie.....a big lie......every nice thing they have ever said was false. The thought that someone in this world actually cared if you exist was once again wrong. It was something that you had come to accept before, but this time you actually believed it. You actually believed that, if you died tonight, anyone other than your family would cry about the news. You'd have been wrong. I was wrong. It's not that it was him that wanted me to go away, it's not that my heart is broken because I thought we had a chance, this is high school, not the movies, it's not even the knowledge that yet another person in this world cant stand me. It's that I let myself believe he actually cared whether or not I was there. I actually thought he liked spending time with me as much as I liked spending time with him. And he let me think it. he led me to believe that he was my friend, and then dropped me with no explanation. He still hasn't told me he wants to go. He hasn't said anything. nothing. my gosh, a good honest "F$&k off!!" would be good to hear from him right now. just dont ignore me and hope that I get the point. just tell me to leave you alone, I will if that is what you want. that goes for anyone. If anybody I know reads this and is simply pretending to like me b/c you are too nice to tell me to go fly a kite, tell me. I like flying kites. It can be done by yourself, and that's a major plus for those of us who are alone. Gosh, it just makes me mad. I hate high school. nobody can sy what they mean or mean what they say. It's always some game. It's stupid. I give up, I'm just going to go back to being the recluse that I was before, with my small group of true friends, and be alone. that is the only way that I can make it. I cant do it. I cant do what I did tonight. I swore to myself that i wouldn't, not over anything in my social life, I promised myself I wouldn't get any friends that would affect me this way, I cant do it again......I cant let anybody make me cry.

MY THEME SONG:
"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world
mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circlesIt's a very, very mad world..."

OK, so I was wrong, someone did finally call me. Although I know it was probrobly a desperate last resort, thank you to jennifer for brightening my day a little bit....don't feel like typing anymore so..... Much love,
DeAnna

So today the seniors are free to not go to school . We are supposed to visit a college campus or something, so my friend Sydney is coming to pick me up soon. We are going to visit UNC-G and should be back by like 3 this afternoon. I guarantee you that after I get home I'll do nothing. The phone will ring many times, but it won't be for me. I am the last thing on anyone's mind today. With most people, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but with me it's more like out of sight, out of mind. I will never get a phone call except a return one. Nobody ever thinks about me when they want to talk to someone, or go somewhere. Most of the calls I get consist of people asking if they can go to a movie, with someone else, for free. If I'm not working, they never say "hey, since you are off and you are the reason we're getting in free, you wanna join us?" Nope, it doesn't happen. I am simply a walking free movie ticket. I talk to people on the phone, and I go places with people, but it is always because I call them. The only person that ever really calls me is Jennifer, and I'm sure I am a last resort.... Ah well, We will see, I'll get back on tonight and tell whether or not anyone has tried to contact me....

Today has been a classic DeAnna day. This has been one of the bad DeAnna days. Once again, it mostly has to do with one person. I made a mistake. I make a lot of mistakes...I swear I'll never make the same one again, but I do. The only thing that is ever really yours is your heart. That is something that everyone should remember. It is your choice as to who to share it with. However, you should always remember that it is someone else's decision as to whether or not to share it with you as well. That is where the trouble is. If the gift of your heart goes unreturned....That is where the pain begins. There are many types of love...I love freely. If you are a stranger to me, then you have done nothing to wrong me and therefore you will have my love, as a friend. I realize this seems strange, but it is true. My first impression of everyone is that they are a good person, and it takes proof to get me to believe otherwise. I'm overly trusting in that way. But that is my love as a friend, I can withstand the blow if it is taken advantage of or ignored. In other cases, I can't.
For years I have had crushes, most all have been unreciprocated. I was never heartbroken though, because I never gave my heart. I am a romantic, always have been, always will be. I've always said that your heart is something that should not be fully given freely. When I was in the ninth grade I found that sometimes the heart gives itself away, without our consent. Mine did. I never told anyone, I kept it secret...It was assumed that I liked the guy's best friend, and I had at one time, but not really. His name was Chris. He was wierd, he got picked on a lot, but he was always happy. Those were ways that we were alike. I never said anything. A year passed. I was in the 10th grade. I decided that the next year I was going to ask him to go to prom with me. It was the night before Valentine's day, I had gotten a TI-83 calculator that day, and Chris had games on his, so I was online to ask him if I could get some of his games, he never answered, I thought it was wierd, but, hey, whatever. Second period starts the next day, I usually didn't see Chris or any of our friends until third, so I still needed to ask him, I couldn't wait. The principal came on over the intercom. He said, in essence, that one of the students at the school had died suddenly in the night before.....It was Chris. My first thought was that it was a different one, but is wasn't. I was, for the first time in my life, truly heartbroken. I swore it would be the last, I was wrong again.
I locked my broken heart up, never to be let loose again. It had learned it's lesson, or so I thought. In case you haven't figured it out, I have done it again, given my heart away. Only this time I said something. Only to have my heart's freshly healed wounds re-opened. So now I am friends with someone I wish to be more than friends with, watching my other friend get closer and closer to him with each passing day. In a way it makes me happy, for nothing brings me more joy than seeing two people I love happy. And they were tonight, when they came to see a movie at the theatre where I work. If the girl knew how I felt, she'd leave him alone, but that would make things worse. I want them to be happy, whether that means they are together or apart. That is all I want now. I want everyone I love to be happy. That would bring me more joy than anything else.
Well......I kinda feel better now........
DeAnna

"Though now it seems you'll never know,
but every lad to a man must grow.
Till winter comes to celebrate,
then proudly chills the bone.
When at last they bury me into this ground you'll someday see
And you, did you listen, to anything I said?
Did you ever listen to me?"_Flogging Molly

"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn."_William Shakespeare

Back again.....
We are on break from school now so I got to go to work w/my dad today at 8:30 in the morning. Great break, huh? I am finally free to do something now and the three people that I would want to do something with are not available. One is tired (which is believable, he leads a busy life...), one is not home (I think she is with her parents somewhere...), and another sat there and told me he was bored, then was like...yea, I'm gonna watch the simpsons now...all of them are being no help whatsoever...I'm still bored! I wanted to finish watching a movie that one of them had, but they finished watching it w/out me, which made me sad. I wanted to go to barnes and nobles with jennifer, but she isn't home, which made me sad. I wanted to do anyting possible with Brennan, but he was tired, which made me sad. I wish I were at work.Nobody has called for me all day, except for a college that I have never heard of, so it begs the question: would anyone really miss me if I vanished??? "ah well......such is the bread of an everyday life, from morning to noon, to the shadowless nights...."
Dream on,
DreAmA

Hey again,
This seems to be getting off to a slow start, I apologize. I'm a senior in HS, and therefore I have a lot of stuff to do. I am off for a long weekend now, so YAY! Today has been an up and down day. First period I slept through a movie. Second period I slept through a different movie. Third period I had a short test, easy. Forth period I totally ignored my teacher and talked to one of my friends, and she let me read her journal. It is not one of those terribly bad journals, but it did have stuff about me in there, some good, some bad. It really didn't help my mood much, for at that point I was in a down mood. I am someone that can go from happy to sad in an instant, and the opposite as well. Due to my acting ability though, you may not be able to tell which one I am. My best friend can, my sister can, and a certain guy can. But anyway.....yeah....school wasn't very eventful today. Afterwards I took the girl whose journal I read, aka, Jennifer, and my friend, Brian, to Taco Bell. I had a good time. I kept thinking about things that were in the journal, but for the most part I was happy. I realize that I am being evil to anyone who is reading this by not explaining some things, but all will come in time.....So I took Brian home so that he could get to bagpipe practice(yes, I said bagpipes....aren't they cool!!!) and I took jennifer home so that she could go out to eat with her family(much to her dismay), and I went home to go to church. For the moment the day has overall been good, and I am tired of typing. till later........
DreAmA

I really dont have that interesting of a life, but I do work at a movie theatre, so that's a cool thing I guess. I live in a nuclear family, with 2 siblings, both atleast 9 and a half years younger than me. I love them to death, but they can get annoying. I hope to go to UNC-Greensboro for college, and major in theatre education. I want to be a drama teacher. It's something that I am passionate about, so I want to spread it to the youth. Other than that there is not musch to me, and I am once again out of time, thanks for listening,
DreAmA