10.12.2004
Bad Day-Bad Memories.....
Today has been a classic DeAnna day. This has been one of the bad DeAnna days. Once again, it mostly has to do with one person. I made a mistake. I make a lot of mistakes...I swear I'll never make the same one again, but I do. The only thing that is ever really yours is your heart. That is something that everyone should remember. It is your choice as to who to share it with. However, you should always remember that it is someone else's decision as to whether or not to share it with you as well. That is where the trouble is. If the gift of your heart goes unreturned....That is where the pain begins. There are many types of love...I love freely. If you are a stranger to me, then you have done nothing to wrong me and therefore you will have my love, as a friend. I realize this seems strange, but it is true. My first impression of everyone is that they are a good person, and it takes proof to get me to believe otherwise. I'm overly trusting in that way. But that is my love as a friend, I can withstand the blow if it is taken advantage of or ignored. In other cases, I can't.
For years I have had crushes, most all have been unreciprocated. I was never heartbroken though, because I never gave my heart. I am a romantic, always have been, always will be. I've always said that your heart is something that should not be fully given freely. When I was in the ninth grade I found that sometimes the heart gives itself away, without our consent. Mine did. I never told anyone, I kept it secret...It was assumed that I liked the guy's best friend, and I had at one time, but not really. His name was Chris. He was wierd, he got picked on a lot, but he was always happy. Those were ways that we were alike. I never said anything. A year passed. I was in the 10th grade. I decided that the next year I was going to ask him to go to prom with me. It was the night before Valentine's day, I had gotten a TI-83 calculator that day, and Chris had games on his, so I was online to ask him if I could get some of his games, he never answered, I thought it was wierd, but, hey, whatever. Second period starts the next day, I usually didn't see Chris or any of our friends until third, so I still needed to ask him, I couldn't wait. The principal came on over the intercom. He said, in essence, that one of the students at the school had died suddenly in the night before.....It was Chris. My first thought was that it was a different one, but is wasn't. I was, for the first time in my life, truly heartbroken. I swore it would be the last, I was wrong again.
I locked my broken heart up, never to be let loose again. It had learned it's lesson, or so I thought. In case you haven't figured it out, I have done it again, given my heart away. Only this time I said something. Only to have my heart's freshly healed wounds re-opened. So now I am friends with someone I wish to be more than friends with, watching my other friend get closer and closer to him with each passing day. In a way it makes me happy, for nothing brings me more joy than seeing two people I love happy. And they were tonight, when they came to see a movie at the theatre where I work. If the girl knew how I felt, she'd leave him alone, but that would make things worse. I want them to be happy, whether that means they are together or apart. That is all I want now. I want everyone I love to be happy. That would bring me more joy than anything else.
Well......I kinda feel better now........
DeAnna
"Though now it seems you'll never know,
but every lad to a man must grow.
Till winter comes to celebrate,
then proudly chills the bone.
When at last they bury me into this ground you'll someday see
And you, did you listen, to anything I said?
Did you ever listen to me?"_Flogging Molly
"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn."_William Shakespeare
For years I have had crushes, most all have been unreciprocated. I was never heartbroken though, because I never gave my heart. I am a romantic, always have been, always will be. I've always said that your heart is something that should not be fully given freely. When I was in the ninth grade I found that sometimes the heart gives itself away, without our consent. Mine did. I never told anyone, I kept it secret...It was assumed that I liked the guy's best friend, and I had at one time, but not really. His name was Chris. He was wierd, he got picked on a lot, but he was always happy. Those were ways that we were alike. I never said anything. A year passed. I was in the 10th grade. I decided that the next year I was going to ask him to go to prom with me. It was the night before Valentine's day, I had gotten a TI-83 calculator that day, and Chris had games on his, so I was online to ask him if I could get some of his games, he never answered, I thought it was wierd, but, hey, whatever. Second period starts the next day, I usually didn't see Chris or any of our friends until third, so I still needed to ask him, I couldn't wait. The principal came on over the intercom. He said, in essence, that one of the students at the school had died suddenly in the night before.....It was Chris. My first thought was that it was a different one, but is wasn't. I was, for the first time in my life, truly heartbroken. I swore it would be the last, I was wrong again.
I locked my broken heart up, never to be let loose again. It had learned it's lesson, or so I thought. In case you haven't figured it out, I have done it again, given my heart away. Only this time I said something. Only to have my heart's freshly healed wounds re-opened. So now I am friends with someone I wish to be more than friends with, watching my other friend get closer and closer to him with each passing day. In a way it makes me happy, for nothing brings me more joy than seeing two people I love happy. And they were tonight, when they came to see a movie at the theatre where I work. If the girl knew how I felt, she'd leave him alone, but that would make things worse. I want them to be happy, whether that means they are together or apart. That is all I want now. I want everyone I love to be happy. That would bring me more joy than anything else.
Well......I kinda feel better now........
DeAnna
"Though now it seems you'll never know,
but every lad to a man must grow.
Till winter comes to celebrate,
then proudly chills the bone.
When at last they bury me into this ground you'll someday see
And you, did you listen, to anything I said?
Did you ever listen to me?"_Flogging Molly
"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn."_William Shakespeare
# posted by DeAnna : 11:38 PM
