10.20.2004
Bad Day.........
He's almost through getting rid of "his following" but he still has a few more to go......Well......as of tonight....he has one less to worry about, For i never was, and never will be, in anyone's "following"...
You dont pretend like you like hanging out with someone and then say that they are just another part of your annoying "following." That's using me, and my kindness. When you are like me you know everybody, but very few people actually like to be around you. It's an unfortunate side affect of being uncool and unattractive. So let's say you meet someone who is at the opposite end of the spectrum and they actually seem to like hanging out with you, then it's really cool. To begin with, you like this person, as in you are "in like" with them, but then you talk, and they tell you they think of you as only a very good friend. YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, so therefore it really doesn't bother you that much. You guys hang out more, you have a lot in common, so you do a lot together, it's cool. He tends to be randomly annoying at times....he says he has to be, so that you won't be "in like" with him anymore. He asks you if it's working, you say that you never said that......and he looks disappointed. Taking his reaction to the thought that you still like him into consideration, you decide it's time for you to give up on the slender amount of hope that you had before. He meets someone at a party, you can tell he like them in some way, you are happy for him. You never get involved, but if he were to ask you, you'd say "go for it, be happy." But he doesn't ask you, he assumes that the answer you gave a while back was still in effect. he doesn't know that your feelings for him are those of friendship. I respect him, and at times you wish you could be more like him, only in the form of a girl. He doesn't know that you have had girls that like him come up to you and be like "you are his friend, do you know who he likes???" and every time you have been like "I don't know, but you should go for it, I'm pulling for you, hope it works out, you'd be cute together...." etc..All of these girls now belong to his so called "following". So yea, you go on your merry little way, one friday night that you know he is with the girl that he met, and you really don't mind, you go out to a festival thing, you arrive alone, but you only stay that way for a little while, some dude named Kameron is there. He's cool. He and you walk around a lot, he buys you a necklace and a hot chocolate because you are cold. It's cool. You enjoy yourself. you give and receive a number at the end of the night, and all is well. Saturday rolls around, you go to work, go to a baby shower for a VERY good friend of yours. Leave there, the night is young, you call the guy, and find out he is at a friends house. Ok, fine with you, you find something else to do. You are over at your cousins' house, helping them move out, when your friend (who is a girl, who likes the guy) calls saying he is over at the friends house, with the girl from the party. This is slightly confusing b/c he tells you that the girl from the party is annoying, but then he goes and does stuff with her anyway, but it doesn't really matter to you that much. You don't really have any contact with them on sunday. In school o monday.....you do not exist, your presence is barely acknowledged. This lasts for days. On wednesday, you get worried. You hear that he is aggravated with his "following" and he is trying to get them all to go away. (his "following" is basically a group of girls that like him and hang around b/c they think they have a chance, he is too nice to tell them to buzz off)At first you think that there is no way you can be included in that group....the only person you are a follower of is Jesus, and this guy is definitely not Jesus. But on wed. night, he talks to one of your mutual friends. She says that she hear's that his "following" is trickling away. What does he say......"there's still a few more to go...." Yea....at that point, you realize, you are grouped with them, the people about which he couldn't care less about. He doesn't even like you as a friend. It was all a lie.....a big lie......every nice thing they have ever said was false. The thought that someone in this world actually cared if you exist was once again wrong. It was something that you had come to accept before, but this time you actually believed it. You actually believed that, if you died tonight, anyone other than your family would cry about the news. You'd have been wrong. I was wrong. It's not that it was him that wanted me to go away, it's not that my heart is broken because I thought we had a chance, this is high school, not the movies, it's not even the knowledge that yet another person in this world cant stand me. It's that I let myself believe he actually cared whether or not I was there. I actually thought he liked spending time with me as much as I liked spending time with him. And he let me think it. he led me to believe that he was my friend, and then dropped me with no explanation. He still hasn't told me he wants to go. He hasn't said anything. nothing. my gosh, a good honest "F$&k off!!" would be good to hear from him right now. just dont ignore me and hope that I get the point. just tell me to leave you alone, I will if that is what you want. that goes for anyone. If anybody I know reads this and is simply pretending to like me b/c you are too nice to tell me to go fly a kite, tell me. I like flying kites. It can be done by yourself, and that's a major plus for those of us who are alone. Gosh, it just makes me mad. I hate high school. nobody can sy what they mean or mean what they say. It's always some game. It's stupid. I give up, I'm just going to go back to being the recluse that I was before, with my small group of true friends, and be alone. that is the only way that I can make it. I cant do it. I cant do what I did tonight. I swore to myself that i wouldn't, not over anything in my social life, I promised myself I wouldn't get any friends that would affect me this way, I cant do it again......I cant let anybody make me cry.
MY THEME SONG:
"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world
mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circlesIt's a very, very mad world..."
You dont pretend like you like hanging out with someone and then say that they are just another part of your annoying "following." That's using me, and my kindness. When you are like me you know everybody, but very few people actually like to be around you. It's an unfortunate side affect of being uncool and unattractive. So let's say you meet someone who is at the opposite end of the spectrum and they actually seem to like hanging out with you, then it's really cool. To begin with, you like this person, as in you are "in like" with them, but then you talk, and they tell you they think of you as only a very good friend. YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT, so therefore it really doesn't bother you that much. You guys hang out more, you have a lot in common, so you do a lot together, it's cool. He tends to be randomly annoying at times....he says he has to be, so that you won't be "in like" with him anymore. He asks you if it's working, you say that you never said that......and he looks disappointed. Taking his reaction to the thought that you still like him into consideration, you decide it's time for you to give up on the slender amount of hope that you had before. He meets someone at a party, you can tell he like them in some way, you are happy for him. You never get involved, but if he were to ask you, you'd say "go for it, be happy." But he doesn't ask you, he assumes that the answer you gave a while back was still in effect. he doesn't know that your feelings for him are those of friendship. I respect him, and at times you wish you could be more like him, only in the form of a girl. He doesn't know that you have had girls that like him come up to you and be like "you are his friend, do you know who he likes???" and every time you have been like "I don't know, but you should go for it, I'm pulling for you, hope it works out, you'd be cute together...." etc..All of these girls now belong to his so called "following". So yea, you go on your merry little way, one friday night that you know he is with the girl that he met, and you really don't mind, you go out to a festival thing, you arrive alone, but you only stay that way for a little while, some dude named Kameron is there. He's cool. He and you walk around a lot, he buys you a necklace and a hot chocolate because you are cold. It's cool. You enjoy yourself. you give and receive a number at the end of the night, and all is well. Saturday rolls around, you go to work, go to a baby shower for a VERY good friend of yours. Leave there, the night is young, you call the guy, and find out he is at a friends house. Ok, fine with you, you find something else to do. You are over at your cousins' house, helping them move out, when your friend (who is a girl, who likes the guy) calls saying he is over at the friends house, with the girl from the party. This is slightly confusing b/c he tells you that the girl from the party is annoying, but then he goes and does stuff with her anyway, but it doesn't really matter to you that much. You don't really have any contact with them on sunday. In school o monday.....you do not exist, your presence is barely acknowledged. This lasts for days. On wednesday, you get worried. You hear that he is aggravated with his "following" and he is trying to get them all to go away. (his "following" is basically a group of girls that like him and hang around b/c they think they have a chance, he is too nice to tell them to buzz off)At first you think that there is no way you can be included in that group....the only person you are a follower of is Jesus, and this guy is definitely not Jesus. But on wed. night, he talks to one of your mutual friends. She says that she hear's that his "following" is trickling away. What does he say......"there's still a few more to go...." Yea....at that point, you realize, you are grouped with them, the people about which he couldn't care less about. He doesn't even like you as a friend. It was all a lie.....a big lie......every nice thing they have ever said was false. The thought that someone in this world actually cared if you exist was once again wrong. It was something that you had come to accept before, but this time you actually believed it. You actually believed that, if you died tonight, anyone other than your family would cry about the news. You'd have been wrong. I was wrong. It's not that it was him that wanted me to go away, it's not that my heart is broken because I thought we had a chance, this is high school, not the movies, it's not even the knowledge that yet another person in this world cant stand me. It's that I let myself believe he actually cared whether or not I was there. I actually thought he liked spending time with me as much as I liked spending time with him. And he let me think it. he led me to believe that he was my friend, and then dropped me with no explanation. He still hasn't told me he wants to go. He hasn't said anything. nothing. my gosh, a good honest "F$&k off!!" would be good to hear from him right now. just dont ignore me and hope that I get the point. just tell me to leave you alone, I will if that is what you want. that goes for anyone. If anybody I know reads this and is simply pretending to like me b/c you are too nice to tell me to go fly a kite, tell me. I like flying kites. It can be done by yourself, and that's a major plus for those of us who are alone. Gosh, it just makes me mad. I hate high school. nobody can sy what they mean or mean what they say. It's always some game. It's stupid. I give up, I'm just going to go back to being the recluse that I was before, with my small group of true friends, and be alone. that is the only way that I can make it. I cant do it. I cant do what I did tonight. I swore to myself that i wouldn't, not over anything in my social life, I promised myself I wouldn't get any friends that would affect me this way, I cant do it again......I cant let anybody make me cry.
MY THEME SONG:
"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world
mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circlesIt's a very, very mad world..."
# posted by DeAnna : 11:16 PM
