11.26.2007
Mood of the Moment: kind of introspective
Music of the Moment: none
Katie Norton.
I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....
yes I do.
She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...
dear lord, I'm crying...
I'm gonna go to bed now...
Goodnight,
~D~
Music of the Moment: none
Katie Norton.
I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....
yes I do.
She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...
dear lord, I'm crying...
I'm gonna go to bed now...
Goodnight,
~D~
11.08.2007
Mood of the Moment: thoughtful
Music of the Moment: All the Same - Sick Puppies
"People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you'll lose her."
I think he's finally got it. I think he's finally figured out that being a man, especially a man in love, isn't about what you can get away with, it's about having the will to do what you say and the spine to face the consequences when you dont. I think he finally realized exactly how powerful a punch it was for me to find out about the things he hid from me about Sarah. More importantly, I think he's figured out that what he did isn't wrong because I found out about it...it was just wrong period...and that that fact goes for everything. The ability to hide elude the consequences of any wrongdoing does not make it right, but in fact it makes it very much worse. I think he finally gets it. As far as I can tell it has been quite a while since he's kept anything from me. I've checked on a lot of things...checked his computer, verified his stories with other people, etc. He has not hidden so much as a single cigarette from me and I know that for a fact...I believe he's been coming to bed when he said he would, and not looking at anything on the computer he shouldn't be...
Hell, when we had an argument a while back, he stormed out and Justin chased him....and when he came back I thought he'd still be riled up but he just ran up and hugged me and appologized...when I asked him later what him and Justin had talked about he told me that he was sorry but that basically they had walked around the block and bitched about women...which I doubt he ever would have told me before...
ah well...I'm going to quit rambling now...
I just figured I'd share....
<3
D
Music of the Moment: All the Same - Sick Puppies
"People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you'll lose her."
I think he's finally got it. I think he's finally figured out that being a man, especially a man in love, isn't about what you can get away with, it's about having the will to do what you say and the spine to face the consequences when you dont. I think he finally realized exactly how powerful a punch it was for me to find out about the things he hid from me about Sarah. More importantly, I think he's figured out that what he did isn't wrong because I found out about it...it was just wrong period...and that that fact goes for everything. The ability to hide elude the consequences of any wrongdoing does not make it right, but in fact it makes it very much worse. I think he finally gets it. As far as I can tell it has been quite a while since he's kept anything from me. I've checked on a lot of things...checked his computer, verified his stories with other people, etc. He has not hidden so much as a single cigarette from me and I know that for a fact...I believe he's been coming to bed when he said he would, and not looking at anything on the computer he shouldn't be...
Hell, when we had an argument a while back, he stormed out and Justin chased him....and when he came back I thought he'd still be riled up but he just ran up and hugged me and appologized...when I asked him later what him and Justin had talked about he told me that he was sorry but that basically they had walked around the block and bitched about women...which I doubt he ever would have told me before...
ah well...I'm going to quit rambling now...
I just figured I'd share....
<3
D
