11.26.2007
Mood of the Moment: kind of introspective
Music of the Moment: none
Katie Norton.
I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....
yes I do.
She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...
dear lord, I'm crying...
I'm gonna go to bed now...
Goodnight,
~D~
Music of the Moment: none
Katie Norton.
I got to see what she looks like for the first time today.
I got to see what she looks like because I looked at the history on Steve's computer and her myspace was there, as well as several pictures of her that he had viewed.
I know that he happened to see her myspace while looking for another friend of his...and was sorta curious and just went *clicky clicky "ok, whatev, let's just find kyle..." and I'm not saying he did anything wrong....
IT just bugs me so much for some reason....I don't know why.....
yes I do.
She hurt him...and that makes me despise her for (atleast) two reasons. First, obviously, she hurt the guy that I have loved all my life...not to mention took away something that even he says should have been mine, and she left wounds that I am still trying to heal....because she was a selfish naive bitch. Secondly....I'm jealous of her. I know that sounds wierd...but I am...and I'm not only jealous because he loved her so much or because she was his first...I'm jealous because (God, this sounds horrible) I don't think I do/will ever have the ability to hurt him like she did. I mean..I'm not saying I'd ever want to....but Katie raked him over the coals and it was still heartbreaking to let her go.....but I've given him 100% everytime and still he's walked away of his own free will a few times. He once told me that he thought that Katie had stripped him of the ability to ever invest that much emotion into one person again...and that thought tears me apart. I see her picture and I hate her because she had the one thing I truly want and she demolished it without a second thought. I know how he felt about her....I know how much he gave her....I know because I've devoted that much to him....I know the horrible feeling that ripped at his chest when he thought of losing her, even after all she did...I know because I've felt it with him....and I'm so afraid that I'll never warrant that. And therein lies the root of my insecurities. The fear that, because of her, he'll never be willing to give me 100% of whatever's left....and let's be honest...it just hurts somewhere inside to think that your boyfriends heart wouldn't break at least some if you left...
I detest her both for what she was, is, and never can be all at the same time...
dear lord, I'm crying...
I'm gonna go to bed now...
Goodnight,
~D~
# posted by DeAnna : 11:16 PM
