9.28.2006
DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Grr...
Arg...
Dear God,
Thanks for keeping me on my toes...
*peace*
~D~
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Grr...
Arg...
Dear God,
Thanks for keeping me on my toes...
*peace*
~D~
9.08.2006
Mood of the Moment: Tired as crap
Music of the Moment: Stone sour
Don't know why I felt the urge to put this down here...could just be lack of sleep...but oh well...
Today I was at waffle house and I weent to use the bathroom, right, and I was at the sink. I wasn't wearing anything special, I just had on my denim shirt, a black skirt, Jared's Guinness hat with my hair just sort of poofing out the bottom...and I looked in the mirror and for just a micro-second something really strange happened...
I looked in the mirror...
and I saw something....
beautiful...
something...
I liked...
it was crazy. The image was fleeting, lasting only long enough for it to register and then fade into my usual self-criticism...but...it was there. And the even stranger thing....is I think I know why. I think I'm doing it...I think I'm succeeding in my mission. A mission that until this point I have not told anyone about...I think it's actually starting to work...
You see, with my recent tumble into freedom...I decided to make a massive change in my life...I decided to quit trying to impress everyone else, and start trying to impress myself...
hehe...
Those who truly matter won't mind, and those who mind dont matter...
:-)
Goodnight,
~D~
Music of the Moment: Stone sour
Don't know why I felt the urge to put this down here...could just be lack of sleep...but oh well...
Today I was at waffle house and I weent to use the bathroom, right, and I was at the sink. I wasn't wearing anything special, I just had on my denim shirt, a black skirt, Jared's Guinness hat with my hair just sort of poofing out the bottom...and I looked in the mirror and for just a micro-second something really strange happened...
I looked in the mirror...
and I saw something....
beautiful...
something...
I liked...
it was crazy. The image was fleeting, lasting only long enough for it to register and then fade into my usual self-criticism...but...it was there. And the even stranger thing....is I think I know why. I think I'm doing it...I think I'm succeeding in my mission. A mission that until this point I have not told anyone about...I think it's actually starting to work...
You see, with my recent tumble into freedom...I decided to make a massive change in my life...I decided to quit trying to impress everyone else, and start trying to impress myself...
hehe...
Those who truly matter won't mind, and those who mind dont matter...
:-)
Goodnight,
~D~
9.05.2006
Mood of the Moment: Thoughtfully placid...
Music of the Moment: Walk to Remember Soundtrack
The winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
So it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
That is a beautiful song...I heart it...
Anyway...
So at this moment I am in a lovely predicament. I have betrayed someone. With every bit of me I have tried not to. I fought the decision with all of my might...an effort in futility. Someone I would die for was betrayed. I can think of no way to make it up to them....and yet...for what? What came from it? Nothing. I am an asshole...for nothing. This is what leads me to my next quandry; my next step in the unsteady path that I never should have turned down, but I'm past the point of return. I have two choices as I see it. Both are a betrayal of sorts of two more people that I care for greatly, but one is a betrayal of myself more than it is for them. Shall I put forth a display of chutspah, completely against my character? or should I stop at only causing chaos in one of my relationships...keeping the trouble contained within myself and one other...one other who doesn't deserve it? The first would bring peace of mind to the one whom I have already betrayed...but it could ruin so many other things. The second option is my usual...but I've sort of screwed it up already...and it is still in a way a betrayal if for no other reason that the falseness of my contentment....
God why am I letting this bother me so badly...
I have to kill it...
but it's too late...
I should have already killed it...
I tried to...
I thought it was dead...
But it wasn't....it wouldn't die...
Why does it matter so damn much?
I'll fix it...somehow.......*sigh*.....
Damn this is gonna suck
Much Love,
~D~
"Just to see you smile,
I'd do anything
that you wanted me to.
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost.
It's worth all that's lost.
Just to see you smile."
Music of the Moment: Walk to Remember Soundtrack
The winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
So it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
That is a beautiful song...I heart it...
Anyway...
So at this moment I am in a lovely predicament. I have betrayed someone. With every bit of me I have tried not to. I fought the decision with all of my might...an effort in futility. Someone I would die for was betrayed. I can think of no way to make it up to them....and yet...for what? What came from it? Nothing. I am an asshole...for nothing. This is what leads me to my next quandry; my next step in the unsteady path that I never should have turned down, but I'm past the point of return. I have two choices as I see it. Both are a betrayal of sorts of two more people that I care for greatly, but one is a betrayal of myself more than it is for them. Shall I put forth a display of chutspah, completely against my character? or should I stop at only causing chaos in one of my relationships...keeping the trouble contained within myself and one other...one other who doesn't deserve it? The first would bring peace of mind to the one whom I have already betrayed...but it could ruin so many other things. The second option is my usual...but I've sort of screwed it up already...and it is still in a way a betrayal if for no other reason that the falseness of my contentment....
God why am I letting this bother me so badly...
I have to kill it...
but it's too late...
I should have already killed it...
I tried to...
I thought it was dead...
But it wasn't....it wouldn't die...
Why does it matter so damn much?
I'll fix it...somehow.......*sigh*.....
Damn this is gonna suck
Much Love,
~D~
"Just to see you smile,
I'd do anything
that you wanted me to.
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost.
It's worth all that's lost.
Just to see you smile."
9.01.2006
Okay...so...today has been a very long day. This long day has been immediately preceeded by a long week, which has been immediately preceeded by a long month....
and you know what....
I don't care.
Not one bit.
I mean yea, it's kinda aggrivating, but hey, it's all good.
All but one thing...
The one thing that should be the last thing on my mind...
and I think I finally figured out why it bothers me so much.
I found out what the real delimma is and in doing so I discovered the solution...as much as it sucks...
So you know how most things in nature are beautiful and fantastic. A lot of times we want these things for our own, but we can't have them because that which we'd have to do to obtain them would ruin them. That is about like my problem. I have a desire for something, but the knowledge that if it were mine it would no longer be worth having. So therefore the choice is simple...leave it be...forget about it...and that's just what I'll do...
Mwahaha....
I'm a genious...
and I'm tired...
goodnight...
~D~
and you know what....
I don't care.
Not one bit.
I mean yea, it's kinda aggrivating, but hey, it's all good.
All but one thing...
The one thing that should be the last thing on my mind...
and I think I finally figured out why it bothers me so much.
I found out what the real delimma is and in doing so I discovered the solution...as much as it sucks...
So you know how most things in nature are beautiful and fantastic. A lot of times we want these things for our own, but we can't have them because that which we'd have to do to obtain them would ruin them. That is about like my problem. I have a desire for something, but the knowledge that if it were mine it would no longer be worth having. So therefore the choice is simple...leave it be...forget about it...and that's just what I'll do...
Mwahaha....
I'm a genious...
and I'm tired...
goodnight...
~D~
