4.23.2006
Mood of the Moment: feeling useless
Music of the moment: Anna Nalick - Breathe (hehe)
yea, so I'm chillin at home right now...just me and the kids...and they are in bed sooooo...I'm alone. And I'm gonna be alone for a while...and the strange thing is I planned this...I just didn't take some things into consideration...you see I planned to have a bit of companionship right now while nobody else was around, some alone time, just to chill...but like I said, I didn't take certain things into consideration, like for example the fact that that person might be more interested in going and doing something more exciting......like....for example...read a phone book.....or watch grass grow.....or go watch a movie at his friends house...because that is much more entertaining than watching a movie at my house, when I'm actually awake...so now I get the joy of being completely alone for a couple of hours while he is out having fun and going at who knows what time to go pick him up and bring him home...but hey! look on the bright side, I get a condolence prize: I get to try to watch a freaking long movie with him starting at like 12:30am, even though I'll probrobly be dead tired and wont make it halfway through, so I'll end up being woken up by a very pissed off father leter on and get bitched at for God knows how long, or I'll actually make it through the movie and go to my bed sometime in the early morning, just so that I can get up tomorrow and go to school and work dead tired...la dee fuckin do da day....
He can't help it...I mean...I don't like hangin out with me either...I'm probrobly the most dull and uninteresting person you'll ever meet, period...I know this...it's just that I begun to doubt that for a little bit because it seemed like he really meant it when he said I was not boring...and I think in his mind he does mean it...but his actions prove otherwise...given the choice of "go watch movie alone with D" or "go watch same movie with other friend", he chooses the latter, and actions speak louder than words...but if it makes him smile, I'm cool with that...it's kinda crappy...but I'd stroll through Hell in a gasoline bakini for that guy, so I can deal with a little disappointment...
bleh, sorry, I'm gonna stop now...I'll be fine in just a little bit, but the main reason that this blog is here is for me to put stupid stuff here anyway, so here's one more...
Much Love to all of my Whacko hard core readers,
I love you all,
sorry I abandoned you for a bit...
~D~
Music of the moment: Anna Nalick - Breathe (hehe)
yea, so I'm chillin at home right now...just me and the kids...and they are in bed sooooo...I'm alone. And I'm gonna be alone for a while...and the strange thing is I planned this...I just didn't take some things into consideration...you see I planned to have a bit of companionship right now while nobody else was around, some alone time, just to chill...but like I said, I didn't take certain things into consideration, like for example the fact that that person might be more interested in going and doing something more exciting......like....for example...read a phone book.....or watch grass grow.....or go watch a movie at his friends house...because that is much more entertaining than watching a movie at my house, when I'm actually awake...so now I get the joy of being completely alone for a couple of hours while he is out having fun and going at who knows what time to go pick him up and bring him home...but hey! look on the bright side, I get a condolence prize: I get to try to watch a freaking long movie with him starting at like 12:30am, even though I'll probrobly be dead tired and wont make it halfway through, so I'll end up being woken up by a very pissed off father leter on and get bitched at for God knows how long, or I'll actually make it through the movie and go to my bed sometime in the early morning, just so that I can get up tomorrow and go to school and work dead tired...la dee fuckin do da day....
He can't help it...I mean...I don't like hangin out with me either...I'm probrobly the most dull and uninteresting person you'll ever meet, period...I know this...it's just that I begun to doubt that for a little bit because it seemed like he really meant it when he said I was not boring...and I think in his mind he does mean it...but his actions prove otherwise...given the choice of "go watch movie alone with D" or "go watch same movie with other friend", he chooses the latter, and actions speak louder than words...but if it makes him smile, I'm cool with that...it's kinda crappy...but I'd stroll through Hell in a gasoline bakini for that guy, so I can deal with a little disappointment...
bleh, sorry, I'm gonna stop now...I'll be fine in just a little bit, but the main reason that this blog is here is for me to put stupid stuff here anyway, so here's one more...
Much Love to all of my Whacko hard core readers,
I love you all,
sorry I abandoned you for a bit...
~D~
4.21.2006
Mood of the Moment: Slightly stressed
Music of the Moment: Blue October - Hate Me
Ah, where to begin? I don't even remember when the last time I posted was, except for the other day...my little rant...hehe...but yea...About my life to date:
I work all the time, either at that blasted entertainment facility or at school. This has not changed, only it has gotten more annoying. I work with two pot-heads that might be good workers if they had just a couple more brain cells(the common sense ones) and with one non-pot-head that is extremely intelligent and can do/fix/make anything he wants and could be a projection mastermind...if he would just not play that damned video game for his entire shift...yes, these are the people that I am working with, but I am the one that always gets in trouble...bleh...I have a feeling that I am like 30 seconds from being put back downstairs...and the day they do that(as much as I'd hate to do it) is the day I'd turn in my 2 weeks notice.
Stephen and I have been officially back together for a wee over 2 months now...it was a very rocky re-beginning...many mistakes were made, all forgiven, and most forgotten...and for his sake I shall go no further into detail...but that is behind us now ...and after it all I still love him to an undescribable degree...though he seems not to believe me. He has right to I guess...there have been people in his past who have done things to make him believe that he does not deserve to be loved...I wish I could go back and smack every one of them. If I could I'd go back and fix everything that went wrong in his life, then maybe he'd smile more, perhaps then he'd feel safe when he lays down at night, and dream of a joyful future instead of being plagued by nightmares...perhaps then he would know that he deserves to be loved...of course, this would probrobly mean that he wouldn't be with me...but that really isn't the important thing...I mean, I know that had it not been for the people that hurt him in the past then he would not have taken a second glance a me, and in a way I'm cool with this, if it means that he would be happy to be on this rock, it'd be worth it...but for some strange reason he has found some sort of appeal in me...which amazes and thrills me at the same time...but yea, I'm rambling again...(sorry Jennifer...)
So yea...School sux...and I seem to have picked up a new part-time resident at my house, which I'm perfectly ok with...'tis Steve...imagine that. hehe, he's adorable...
I guess for the most part you could say I'm doing good, my car is still running, and I can still afford food and such...my health hasn't been that great of late...I think it is b/c of a combination of stress and lack of sleep...as you probrobly already know I have always had a little flutter thing in my heart, and I still do...but lately for some reason it has happened more often, which didn't bother me until it started being accompanied with a little bit of pain....and recently it has gotten to the point that it'll just start hurting and not stop for a few minutes...it is kinda beginning to freak me out...Steve noticed the other day, too...so now he is freaked out...but how would you feel about going to the doctor for chest pain if you had a Grandmother that had a hole in her heart(hereditary), an uncle with leaky valves in his heart(sometimes hereditary), and a mother with a heart murmer(not dangerous, but hereditary as well)? Bleh...I don't wanna know...but yea...
Ok, I'm gonna go get dressed for work now, where better to spend a friday night than in the loving arms of the Wynnsong...bleh...
Much Love,
~D~
Music of the Moment: Blue October - Hate Me
Ah, where to begin? I don't even remember when the last time I posted was, except for the other day...my little rant...hehe...but yea...About my life to date:
I work all the time, either at that blasted entertainment facility or at school. This has not changed, only it has gotten more annoying. I work with two pot-heads that might be good workers if they had just a couple more brain cells(the common sense ones) and with one non-pot-head that is extremely intelligent and can do/fix/make anything he wants and could be a projection mastermind...if he would just not play that damned video game for his entire shift...yes, these are the people that I am working with, but I am the one that always gets in trouble...bleh...I have a feeling that I am like 30 seconds from being put back downstairs...and the day they do that(as much as I'd hate to do it) is the day I'd turn in my 2 weeks notice.
Stephen and I have been officially back together for a wee over 2 months now...it was a very rocky re-beginning...many mistakes were made, all forgiven, and most forgotten...and for his sake I shall go no further into detail...but that is behind us now ...and after it all I still love him to an undescribable degree...though he seems not to believe me. He has right to I guess...there have been people in his past who have done things to make him believe that he does not deserve to be loved...I wish I could go back and smack every one of them. If I could I'd go back and fix everything that went wrong in his life, then maybe he'd smile more, perhaps then he'd feel safe when he lays down at night, and dream of a joyful future instead of being plagued by nightmares...perhaps then he would know that he deserves to be loved...of course, this would probrobly mean that he wouldn't be with me...but that really isn't the important thing...I mean, I know that had it not been for the people that hurt him in the past then he would not have taken a second glance a me, and in a way I'm cool with this, if it means that he would be happy to be on this rock, it'd be worth it...but for some strange reason he has found some sort of appeal in me...which amazes and thrills me at the same time...but yea, I'm rambling again...(sorry Jennifer...)
So yea...School sux...and I seem to have picked up a new part-time resident at my house, which I'm perfectly ok with...'tis Steve...imagine that. hehe, he's adorable...
I guess for the most part you could say I'm doing good, my car is still running, and I can still afford food and such...my health hasn't been that great of late...I think it is b/c of a combination of stress and lack of sleep...as you probrobly already know I have always had a little flutter thing in my heart, and I still do...but lately for some reason it has happened more often, which didn't bother me until it started being accompanied with a little bit of pain....and recently it has gotten to the point that it'll just start hurting and not stop for a few minutes...it is kinda beginning to freak me out...Steve noticed the other day, too...so now he is freaked out...but how would you feel about going to the doctor for chest pain if you had a Grandmother that had a hole in her heart(hereditary), an uncle with leaky valves in his heart(sometimes hereditary), and a mother with a heart murmer(not dangerous, but hereditary as well)? Bleh...I don't wanna know...but yea...
Ok, I'm gonna go get dressed for work now, where better to spend a friday night than in the loving arms of the Wynnsong...bleh...
Much Love,
~D~
4.18.2006
Ok, so here's the deal: anybody who knows me knows that I'm always a calm person, I try not to make people mad, try not to cause a fuss, I live my life and let other's live theirs, if they ask for help I give it as best I can. If someone disagrees with this statement, please, let me know. But yea, the way that I am commonly leads me to be a bit of a doormat, which gets irritating at times, and I do get mad, I just usually do nothing about it. So I am going to appologize ahead of time for any vulgarity I use in this post...here is another one of my vents...about all sorts of people and things...please read...if you want...
*I swear to you I sometimes want to kill someone when I am reading people's things n dey r typin lyke dis n no1 can reed a wrd dey is sayin cuz nun of it iz ENGLISH!!!!! GRRRR! I just want to reach through the screen and whack them in the face with a dictionary...and they get upset when people call them stupid or don't take them seriously...come on...yea, that's good to start...now for the more important ones...
*if you are a liar: Fuck you...if you purposfully lie for your own benifit: fuck you, and I hope that when you go to Hell that I have the priviledge of hearing your screams ...oh, especially if you are a liar who gets mad when you are lied to...God, you fucking hypocrite...
*if you are a guy/girl that cheats: there are few creatures on this earth that have sunk lower than that...any forgiveness you recieve for such an act is not given because you deserve it, because you don't, it is simply given because someone cares for you and obviously sees more in you than you see in yourself. Forgiveness for such an act is a huge priviledge and definately NOT a right...so treat it as such, don't abuse it, don't push it to it's limits...and like I said, the person who forgives a cheat most likely sees more in them then they see in themselves...so try living up to their expectations...you may be surprised at what you can do...
*to the guys/girls who are the "ones on the side": think about that for two seconds...you will see that the thought is rediculous...the main person that you need to seek forgiveness from is yourself, for it takes a complete lack of self respect to do something like that, to be a dirty little secret, I don't care who you are, I feel sorry for you, because any human deserves better than that...
*to the girls that have slept with so many guys that they don't even remember all of their names: you wanna know why people call you a slut...because you are. Chances are that the reason you get so much action is not because you are pretty or because they like your personality...it is because there is a slit between your legs that is easier to get to then most others. Oh, and having sex is not a way to prove that you love someone...don't ever let omeone tell you that b/c it's bullshit. I'm not saying that you are a stupid person, you just make some stupid decisions...which you can easily change...if you actually try... #1 protection from being called names, STD's, pregnancy, and sometimes heartbreak: self-control...get some...
*to the GUYS who have slept with so many girls that you cant even remember all of their names: oh, didn't think I'd say anything about you did you? I mean, what is wrong? you're obviously attractive enough to use it, so why not? I mean, everyone knows that a guy isn't a real man unless he can "devide and conquer" as many sets of legs as possible right? Bullshit. You cant get pregnant, you're body can't get all whacked up the way a girl's can, it's not your life that you are fucking with when you sleep around, it's other people's, which not only makes you a horn-dog, but an incosiderate heartless bastard as well. Oh and then you have the nerve to call girls that act just like you do sluts...you have no right. I'm not saying that they are in the right, but for you to call a girl a slut is like a sumo wrestler calling some guy fat...it's bullshit...you wanna be a real man? Have respect for women, never say love unless you mean it, quit having sex, find the one you love, and start making love instead....then you will be a man....(oh, and just because you start pitching a tent, doesn't mean you're in love with someone....it just means they have boobs...)
*to all those who say that staying a virgin until you are married is stupid: oh yea, it's so childish and naive and old fashioned right? Well, then I guess that knowing who the father of your child is, having the father around, staying disease free, and not being taken advantage of or called a slut is stupid as well right? Personally I think that the stupid one is the 16-28 year old little boy inside a man's body that walks up to the girl that makes things happen just below his belt and says he loves her....and the girl who believes it. Let me tell you something: real love eventually leads to marriage, and real love is patient, so instead of proving you love someone by makin' it with them, prove it by showing that you want to wait, guys, show a girl your love by saying it is fine if they want to wait....and mean it. Girls, weed out the nasty horn-dogs out there by letting it be known from the beginning that you are going to stay a virgin until you're married...if they leave, then that simply means you deserve better. Warning: girls, if the guy does stay with you, don't fault him for occasionally whining or on RARE occasions perhaps getting carried away, especially if he isn't a virgin as well...enjoy the knowledge that they find you physically attractive...but don't let them pressure you, you don't deserve that...and chances are that if he truly cares, then he will always apologize for getting carried away or whining about it...
*To dudes who try to force girls to do things they don't want: FUCK YOU! period, end of story...you are a detestable creature...you have some sort of mental issue...seek help...I'll pray for you, but stay away from me and any girl I know...got it...cuz I can always REMOVE the temptation if I have to...if you catch my drift...
*to guys who hit girls: you think you are manly? bullshit, you are the scum of the earth...anyone can beat-up on someone who can't fight back, little girls in school-yards can do that, all you are doing is using brute strength to cover for the fact that you are a neanderthal...of course, you may not understand what I mean by that so let me clarify: you are stoopid...there? understand that better? I even spelled it phonetically so that you might be able to make your pea-size brain around it. If I ever see someone like you hurt a woman, whether I know her or not or (God-forbid) if you try that shit with me or someone I care for you will be rudely awakened to the fact that some girls do fight back...don't believe me? try it...people like you don't need to reproduce...so start something with me or someone I love and we'll see how much of a man you are without a dick...
*To people that make empty promises: ah, there isn't much I can say to you that will help...but trust me, someday someone will make empty promises to you, and you will be hurt, hopefully you'll learn your lesson....if not, you're in for a lonely life...
*To people that complain about their lives but do nothing about it: ok, it's understandable when you hit a rough patch in your life to confide in your close friends, ask for advice and such...but a)nobody is going to fix your life for you...because guess what, everybody has shitty times and most people are busy dealing with problems of their own and those problems probrobly(believe it or not!) actually are just as bad or (is it possible!) WORSE than yours....and b) when your friends give you advice, take it....don't look disappointed because they are not taking you by the hand and leading you through everything...if you can complain about something, then you can get off your ass and do something about it...if you're not willing to, then you have no right to whine about it... and C) I said it's understandable to confide in your CLOSE FRIENDS....Not everyone who will stand within earshot for more than 10 seconds...most people don't give a damn if the love of your life just doesn't feel the same for you, or that your back has been giving you a fit, or that you and your parents aren't getting along, or that you're having financial troubles...they'll bob their head and say "I'm sorry to hear that..." or "That sucks"...but that is about it...granted, I am the type of person that, if I have the time, I'll sit and listen to you moan and complain all night, and I'll give my advice and even help you put it into action, but when it happens over and over again and you just aren't even trying to help yourself, even I get fed up with it...so yea....basically....just quit your bitchin' and get up off your ass and do something about it...
*to high schoolers: Ok, so when I use that word I'm referring to the high schoolers that are all about the high school drama...come on....grow up...I'm not even going to start because you'll probrobly just think "oh, she is such a bitch, she just doesn't understand me and the problem that I have...the pain I go through...how hard my life is..." heh..you give the real people with hard lives a bad name...grrr....just talk to me when you grow up...
Ok, so there are many more but my fingers are literally about to fall off, and I have stuff to do...so I'm off now...if you think you fall under any of these categories...don't worry, I still love you, I'm just in a ranty mood and all that is ever needed to attain my forgiveness for anything is to ask...that simple...I'm done now...
...fin...
~D~
*I swear to you I sometimes want to kill someone when I am reading people's things n dey r typin lyke dis n no1 can reed a wrd dey is sayin cuz nun of it iz ENGLISH!!!!! GRRRR! I just want to reach through the screen and whack them in the face with a dictionary...and they get upset when people call them stupid or don't take them seriously...come on...yea, that's good to start...now for the more important ones...
*if you are a liar: Fuck you...if you purposfully lie for your own benifit: fuck you, and I hope that when you go to Hell that I have the priviledge of hearing your screams ...oh, especially if you are a liar who gets mad when you are lied to...God, you fucking hypocrite...
*if you are a guy/girl that cheats: there are few creatures on this earth that have sunk lower than that...any forgiveness you recieve for such an act is not given because you deserve it, because you don't, it is simply given because someone cares for you and obviously sees more in you than you see in yourself. Forgiveness for such an act is a huge priviledge and definately NOT a right...so treat it as such, don't abuse it, don't push it to it's limits...and like I said, the person who forgives a cheat most likely sees more in them then they see in themselves...so try living up to their expectations...you may be surprised at what you can do...
*to the guys/girls who are the "ones on the side": think about that for two seconds...you will see that the thought is rediculous...the main person that you need to seek forgiveness from is yourself, for it takes a complete lack of self respect to do something like that, to be a dirty little secret, I don't care who you are, I feel sorry for you, because any human deserves better than that...
*to the girls that have slept with so many guys that they don't even remember all of their names: you wanna know why people call you a slut...because you are. Chances are that the reason you get so much action is not because you are pretty or because they like your personality...it is because there is a slit between your legs that is easier to get to then most others. Oh, and having sex is not a way to prove that you love someone...don't ever let omeone tell you that b/c it's bullshit. I'm not saying that you are a stupid person, you just make some stupid decisions...which you can easily change...if you actually try... #1 protection from being called names, STD's, pregnancy, and sometimes heartbreak: self-control...get some...
*to the GUYS who have slept with so many girls that you cant even remember all of their names: oh, didn't think I'd say anything about you did you? I mean, what is wrong? you're obviously attractive enough to use it, so why not? I mean, everyone knows that a guy isn't a real man unless he can "devide and conquer" as many sets of legs as possible right? Bullshit. You cant get pregnant, you're body can't get all whacked up the way a girl's can, it's not your life that you are fucking with when you sleep around, it's other people's, which not only makes you a horn-dog, but an incosiderate heartless bastard as well. Oh and then you have the nerve to call girls that act just like you do sluts...you have no right. I'm not saying that they are in the right, but for you to call a girl a slut is like a sumo wrestler calling some guy fat...it's bullshit...you wanna be a real man? Have respect for women, never say love unless you mean it, quit having sex, find the one you love, and start making love instead....then you will be a man....(oh, and just because you start pitching a tent, doesn't mean you're in love with someone....it just means they have boobs...)
*to all those who say that staying a virgin until you are married is stupid: oh yea, it's so childish and naive and old fashioned right? Well, then I guess that knowing who the father of your child is, having the father around, staying disease free, and not being taken advantage of or called a slut is stupid as well right? Personally I think that the stupid one is the 16-28 year old little boy inside a man's body that walks up to the girl that makes things happen just below his belt and says he loves her....and the girl who believes it. Let me tell you something: real love eventually leads to marriage, and real love is patient, so instead of proving you love someone by makin' it with them, prove it by showing that you want to wait, guys, show a girl your love by saying it is fine if they want to wait....and mean it. Girls, weed out the nasty horn-dogs out there by letting it be known from the beginning that you are going to stay a virgin until you're married...if they leave, then that simply means you deserve better. Warning: girls, if the guy does stay with you, don't fault him for occasionally whining or on RARE occasions perhaps getting carried away, especially if he isn't a virgin as well...enjoy the knowledge that they find you physically attractive...but don't let them pressure you, you don't deserve that...and chances are that if he truly cares, then he will always apologize for getting carried away or whining about it...
*To dudes who try to force girls to do things they don't want: FUCK YOU! period, end of story...you are a detestable creature...you have some sort of mental issue...seek help...I'll pray for you, but stay away from me and any girl I know...got it...cuz I can always REMOVE the temptation if I have to...if you catch my drift...
*to guys who hit girls: you think you are manly? bullshit, you are the scum of the earth...anyone can beat-up on someone who can't fight back, little girls in school-yards can do that, all you are doing is using brute strength to cover for the fact that you are a neanderthal...of course, you may not understand what I mean by that so let me clarify: you are stoopid...there? understand that better? I even spelled it phonetically so that you might be able to make your pea-size brain around it. If I ever see someone like you hurt a woman, whether I know her or not or (God-forbid) if you try that shit with me or someone I care for you will be rudely awakened to the fact that some girls do fight back...don't believe me? try it...people like you don't need to reproduce...so start something with me or someone I love and we'll see how much of a man you are without a dick...
*To people that make empty promises: ah, there isn't much I can say to you that will help...but trust me, someday someone will make empty promises to you, and you will be hurt, hopefully you'll learn your lesson....if not, you're in for a lonely life...
*To people that complain about their lives but do nothing about it: ok, it's understandable when you hit a rough patch in your life to confide in your close friends, ask for advice and such...but a)nobody is going to fix your life for you...because guess what, everybody has shitty times and most people are busy dealing with problems of their own and those problems probrobly(believe it or not!) actually are just as bad or (is it possible!) WORSE than yours....and b) when your friends give you advice, take it....don't look disappointed because they are not taking you by the hand and leading you through everything...if you can complain about something, then you can get off your ass and do something about it...if you're not willing to, then you have no right to whine about it... and C) I said it's understandable to confide in your CLOSE FRIENDS....Not everyone who will stand within earshot for more than 10 seconds...most people don't give a damn if the love of your life just doesn't feel the same for you, or that your back has been giving you a fit, or that you and your parents aren't getting along, or that you're having financial troubles...they'll bob their head and say "I'm sorry to hear that..." or "That sucks"...but that is about it...granted, I am the type of person that, if I have the time, I'll sit and listen to you moan and complain all night, and I'll give my advice and even help you put it into action, but when it happens over and over again and you just aren't even trying to help yourself, even I get fed up with it...so yea....basically....just quit your bitchin' and get up off your ass and do something about it...
*to high schoolers: Ok, so when I use that word I'm referring to the high schoolers that are all about the high school drama...come on....grow up...I'm not even going to start because you'll probrobly just think "oh, she is such a bitch, she just doesn't understand me and the problem that I have...the pain I go through...how hard my life is..." heh..you give the real people with hard lives a bad name...grrr....just talk to me when you grow up...
Ok, so there are many more but my fingers are literally about to fall off, and I have stuff to do...so I'm off now...if you think you fall under any of these categories...don't worry, I still love you, I'm just in a ranty mood and all that is ever needed to attain my forgiveness for anything is to ask...that simple...I'm done now...
...fin...
~D~
