6.21.2006
Mood of the Moment: B.L.E.H....
Music of the Moment: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
I'm not sure why I detest that girl so much. I came to that conclusion as I watched her in my peripheral vision driving along tonight. She is what I just might be if I wasn't so damn stubborn. I was well on my way many years ago, before so many people started telling me that I would end up that way and my stubborn spiteful streak forced me back to where I am now...along with other things. It's amazing really...my desire to be spiteful and prove people wrong is a large part of what has made me the good girl sitting at this keyboard now. So for all of those who ever told me that I'd end up as a whore/slut/bitch/drug addict/etc.....thank you, for you helped prevent such things. Granted my heart and how I fwlt would still be the same, I mean, I could never be as freakin' self centered as that girl...but still...anyway...I know plenty of people like her...and I don't despise them....why her. I mean some people might say it is obvious...because of what she has done to me...but in all truth I can't say that I am really mad at her for that, because it takes two people to do what has been done to me...and in all truth, the only part she had in it was believing a huge stream of bull-shit that was flowing so gracefully from someone elses mouth. And I realized that the reason that she irritated me so is because I just wanted to shake her and say "WHY?!?! Why are you so stupid? Why would you believe the lies, the bull-shit that comes from a known bull-shitter? Come on! You could have saved so much trouble had you just looked at him and said 'you are full of shit...piss-off'...why could you just not be smart and not believe the lies?" and it was at that moment that I thought to myself that I truly have no reason to hate her...because we truly have more in common that I had previously thought. Granted I have never slept with someone who was taken, but then again I refuse to sleep with anyone who I am not married to, if I didn't have that vow...hmmm...I have seen the bold-faced lies that a certain person has concealed as pure sincerity before...so in all truth...I have positively no reason to dislike her at all...if that makes sense. (*le sigh* even after coming to this conclusion...I still feel the urge to kindly prepare her an antifreeze cocktail...)
Anyway, I guess this leads me to the topic of trust of the aforementioned bull-shitter. There really is no way to thoroughly explain it. I live on a day to day basis not truly knowing as of now who he is. Instead I just know he is one of 2 people. He is either the bruised, broken, confused human being that truly does feel the same for me as I do for him, but is positively afraid to because of the things that have happened in his past.....or.....he is the most chauvanistic douche-bag of a dick that has no idea of what love is and is too self-centered to care. If he is the first, then I love him with all I have and I shall someday feel bad for having the doubts I do now...but if he is the second, then I regret every time I have let him near me. I hope and pray everyday that he is the first...he will one day prove to me one way or the other. It could be soon or years from now. All he needs to do to prove the latter is betray me one more time...and to prove the former will take his complete loyalty and love and thoughtfulness for an unknown(but very long) amount of time. For now I go on the pretense that he is the former of the two...and he gets the benefit of the doubt....but be not mistaken...if that pretense were to ever be proven false...I am prepared. I can state the exact moment when I became prepared: it was our last "break". I hate that word... to quote rourk "break is a bull-shit term"...but anyways...it was then that my forgiveness reached it's limit. It was then that I decided without a shadow of a doubt that it would only take one more act of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or outright betrayal before he became that chauvanistic ass-hole in my eyes...before the person that I see him as now(the person I care for more than can be imagined) completely dies and is replaced by the stereotypical dick that I hate. It is at that moment that I would have no hesitation in calmly giving him the finger and dropping him like the bad habit he would have become. Don't get me wrong...it is the last thing I want to do...it would take every bit of my strength...and the smile on my face would be fake for God only knows how long, but I could do it. I think he knows that, too. Anyone who knows mw well enough to know about this blog should know that I would not say that I could if I had any doubts at all about it. However, if you know me well enough to know about this blog then you also know that it is the last thing I want to do...as in....if given the choice of walking away from that boy or being submitted to chinese paper-cut torture....I'd say bring on the razor blades.....
Bleh...This is not what I got on here with the intentions of writing...but after being basically dissed by the person who swears I'm his world tonight, then hangin' out with little miss temptress for nearly 3 hours, I was in a bit of a wierd thoughtful mood...bleh...I know that if certain people ever read this then they would take it the completely wrong way...which is understandable considering it is probrobly just a jumbled mess of incoherency unless you are inside my head....but yea, like I said earlier...if you got this address from me than you should be able to understand what I'm saying, and if you didn't get this address from me then I obviously don't want you reading this so why are you even still looking at this page? Go fly a kite.
Ok, I think I'm gonna go to bed now...
*peace*
~D~
p.s. I would suggest ignoring all of this...'tis my moody week of the month...bleh
Music of the Moment: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
I'm not sure why I detest that girl so much. I came to that conclusion as I watched her in my peripheral vision driving along tonight. She is what I just might be if I wasn't so damn stubborn. I was well on my way many years ago, before so many people started telling me that I would end up that way and my stubborn spiteful streak forced me back to where I am now...along with other things. It's amazing really...my desire to be spiteful and prove people wrong is a large part of what has made me the good girl sitting at this keyboard now. So for all of those who ever told me that I'd end up as a whore/slut/bitch/drug addict/etc.....thank you, for you helped prevent such things. Granted my heart and how I fwlt would still be the same, I mean, I could never be as freakin' self centered as that girl...but still...anyway...I know plenty of people like her...and I don't despise them....why her. I mean some people might say it is obvious...because of what she has done to me...but in all truth I can't say that I am really mad at her for that, because it takes two people to do what has been done to me...and in all truth, the only part she had in it was believing a huge stream of bull-shit that was flowing so gracefully from someone elses mouth. And I realized that the reason that she irritated me so is because I just wanted to shake her and say "WHY?!?! Why are you so stupid? Why would you believe the lies, the bull-shit that comes from a known bull-shitter? Come on! You could have saved so much trouble had you just looked at him and said 'you are full of shit...piss-off'...why could you just not be smart and not believe the lies?" and it was at that moment that I thought to myself that I truly have no reason to hate her...because we truly have more in common that I had previously thought. Granted I have never slept with someone who was taken, but then again I refuse to sleep with anyone who I am not married to, if I didn't have that vow...hmmm...I have seen the bold-faced lies that a certain person has concealed as pure sincerity before...so in all truth...I have positively no reason to dislike her at all...if that makes sense. (*le sigh* even after coming to this conclusion...I still feel the urge to kindly prepare her an antifreeze cocktail...)
Anyway, I guess this leads me to the topic of trust of the aforementioned bull-shitter. There really is no way to thoroughly explain it. I live on a day to day basis not truly knowing as of now who he is. Instead I just know he is one of 2 people. He is either the bruised, broken, confused human being that truly does feel the same for me as I do for him, but is positively afraid to because of the things that have happened in his past.....or.....he is the most chauvanistic douche-bag of a dick that has no idea of what love is and is too self-centered to care. If he is the first, then I love him with all I have and I shall someday feel bad for having the doubts I do now...but if he is the second, then I regret every time I have let him near me. I hope and pray everyday that he is the first...he will one day prove to me one way or the other. It could be soon or years from now. All he needs to do to prove the latter is betray me one more time...and to prove the former will take his complete loyalty and love and thoughtfulness for an unknown(but very long) amount of time. For now I go on the pretense that he is the former of the two...and he gets the benefit of the doubt....but be not mistaken...if that pretense were to ever be proven false...I am prepared. I can state the exact moment when I became prepared: it was our last "break". I hate that word... to quote rourk "break is a bull-shit term"...but anyways...it was then that my forgiveness reached it's limit. It was then that I decided without a shadow of a doubt that it would only take one more act of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or outright betrayal before he became that chauvanistic ass-hole in my eyes...before the person that I see him as now(the person I care for more than can be imagined) completely dies and is replaced by the stereotypical dick that I hate. It is at that moment that I would have no hesitation in calmly giving him the finger and dropping him like the bad habit he would have become. Don't get me wrong...it is the last thing I want to do...it would take every bit of my strength...and the smile on my face would be fake for God only knows how long, but I could do it. I think he knows that, too. Anyone who knows mw well enough to know about this blog should know that I would not say that I could if I had any doubts at all about it. However, if you know me well enough to know about this blog then you also know that it is the last thing I want to do...as in....if given the choice of walking away from that boy or being submitted to chinese paper-cut torture....I'd say bring on the razor blades.....
Bleh...This is not what I got on here with the intentions of writing...but after being basically dissed by the person who swears I'm his world tonight, then hangin' out with little miss temptress for nearly 3 hours, I was in a bit of a wierd thoughtful mood...bleh...I know that if certain people ever read this then they would take it the completely wrong way...which is understandable considering it is probrobly just a jumbled mess of incoherency unless you are inside my head....but yea, like I said earlier...if you got this address from me than you should be able to understand what I'm saying, and if you didn't get this address from me then I obviously don't want you reading this so why are you even still looking at this page? Go fly a kite.
Ok, I think I'm gonna go to bed now...
*peace*
~D~
p.s. I would suggest ignoring all of this...'tis my moody week of the month...bleh
# posted by DeAnna : 1:35 AM
