5.27.2006
Mood of the Moment: sick
Music of the Moment: Standard Lines - Dashboard confessional
Ahhh, where to start...
I've been sick for a bit...and tonight I was supposed to work the midnight shows at work, which would have kept me out until like 2.5/3ish in the morning...which I wouldn't have minded doing...except that Stephen had had me leave early for work so that we could stop by and pick up a game that he said he wanted to play tonight...he told my dad, my sister, and me that he was gonna play it with all of us when he got here tonight, so I got off early so that we could do so...I even left the theatre earlier than I would usually be able to even if there were no midnight shows...I told him that I was going to...he seemed quite happy at this fact. So while I was working him and Jared hung out...and they came and watched a movie...one that let out close to the time that I would get off work...I went happily about my duties...waiting anxiously for the time that I could clock out and take Steve home so that we could chill together and talk and perhaps he could even force me into a video game...it kept me smiling all night...even though in every other aspect I felt like crap...I can't stop coughing, my throat hurts, I have a headache, I hate work in general, a couple of the machines were messing up...but thinking about future chillage with Steve made me happy...it always does...
About 15 minutes before I can get out of the theatre, Steve cam upstairs...all excited, like he had just gotten some excellent news...and informs me that he is staying the night with Jared, and needs my keys to get something from my car...there is no "is that ok with you?" or "it's cool if we chill on another night, right?" or "did you already get off?"....nothing...so I triedto play it off like I didn't care...but the only thing making me smile had just been taken away....so I kind of failed...and when he brought my keys back to me he asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing, and he asked again and I just looked at him and said "I got off early"...and he appologized, and said he didn't know, and told him that he did...so he appologized for forgetting, and I told him it was ok...and I meant it...it's not his fault...heh...I'm the one that isn't memorable...I'm truly used to it at this point.......at least this time he forgot because he was out with Jared, instead of forgetting because he was busy fucking little-miss "look at me, I'm going to be nice to you so that you won't think that all I want is to have your boyfriend because he's got the biggest freakin' dick I've ever seen in person before, and I know that he has to love me because I am fun and you are boring so I'm gonna prance around in a couple pieces of cloth that let my tits and ass hang out and hang all over him and talk shit about you when you are not there..." I'm sorry, that description was a little long, let me shorten it a bit: she is the girl whose legs Stephen has seemed all too happy to jump between any time she has opened them...the self-made waste of human flesh and blood that should never reproduce but due to her lifestyle inevitably will...Still not short enough?? ok, try this one: Joy. My feelings towards that proudly self-proclaimed bitch are wierd a mixture of pity, jealousy, and pure disgust. The sight of her sets me on edge, her voice sounds like nails down a chalkboard to my ears, and the thought of her and Stephen so much as being in the same room as each other (whether I am there or not) churns my stomach worse than drinking a pint of sour milk... and yet I find myself envying her because he finds her to be worth leaving me for...........but I am off topic...
Tonight Steve left with his friends, and about ten minutes later I left the theatre, just like I told him I would...and drove by Jared's...like I said I would...and all the lights were off...so I just assumed that they either weren't there or they didn't want any visitors...but I didn't go home, I didn't feel like it yet. So I drove around, paying no mind to where...and I soon found myself at a dead end...and at this dead end there was a park...a park I hadn't been to in a while...a park that had always let me just chill on the swing and think. I thought about many things. Obviously I thought about the above mentioned things...I thought about people and friendship and thought of a wonderful extended analogy between a human being and an island...I watched the stars go back and forth as I listened to the "clack clack" of the old chains of the swing as it swayed steadily back and forth. I thought about who I am, what I once was, and who I want to become. I thought about when I had first come to this park, and how the girl that came that night was so much different than then the one sitting on that swing tonight and yet somehow the same...and of course I thought about Stephen. A lot of things about Stephen...things that for the most part I can't tell him because he'll get pissed because I'm "throwing a guilt trip..." and there will be fighting and then lots of awkward, which I don't want. And I can't tell anyone else because the only people I would trust to talk to are either miles and miles away, constantly busy with their own problems, or I'm forbidden to talk to them... so it shall stay between me and my mind, bottled up even longer, and it seems that it is through this process that that bright, smiling, spastic girl that first came to that park gets locked deeper down inside so that I can be a little bit closer to being the woman that that boy needs...
When I finally walked through my front door, I found my dad sitting next to my sister, controller in hand, ready to play...her first question was "where's Steve?"...I about felt like crying, she was so disappointed...she had stayed up so late so that she could play a game with her two heroes....only to be sent to bed as soon as I came home...
so yea, a little after I started typing this I got a call...from Steve...he seemed upset that I didn't come and see him, and said that he had decided that when I stopped by to say goodnight that he was going to come home with me...I told him I was sorry....and I felt like crap...but then part of me thought "yea, Steve, feeling forgotten and waiting for someone that never comes hurts like a bitch doesn't it?"....and immediately after I thought that I felt like uber shit...and then I thought about it and realized that even if he had come home with me I would have felt like shit b/c I'd feel like I guilted him into it...bleh...I don't know....I hate my overactive guilt gene...and I'm tired, and I want chocolate...so I'm gonna stop now...
Oh, and be not mistaken, I'm not bitching about Stephen...I love him with all of my heart, I really do...I'm just venting...those who know me know that I have mood swings such as these...but I'm going to bed now...
*peace*
~D~
Music of the Moment: Standard Lines - Dashboard confessional
Ahhh, where to start...
I've been sick for a bit...and tonight I was supposed to work the midnight shows at work, which would have kept me out until like 2.5/3ish in the morning...which I wouldn't have minded doing...except that Stephen had had me leave early for work so that we could stop by and pick up a game that he said he wanted to play tonight...he told my dad, my sister, and me that he was gonna play it with all of us when he got here tonight, so I got off early so that we could do so...I even left the theatre earlier than I would usually be able to even if there were no midnight shows...I told him that I was going to...he seemed quite happy at this fact. So while I was working him and Jared hung out...and they came and watched a movie...one that let out close to the time that I would get off work...I went happily about my duties...waiting anxiously for the time that I could clock out and take Steve home so that we could chill together and talk and perhaps he could even force me into a video game...it kept me smiling all night...even though in every other aspect I felt like crap...I can't stop coughing, my throat hurts, I have a headache, I hate work in general, a couple of the machines were messing up...but thinking about future chillage with Steve made me happy...it always does...
About 15 minutes before I can get out of the theatre, Steve cam upstairs...all excited, like he had just gotten some excellent news...and informs me that he is staying the night with Jared, and needs my keys to get something from my car...there is no "is that ok with you?" or "it's cool if we chill on another night, right?" or "did you already get off?"....nothing...so I triedto play it off like I didn't care...but the only thing making me smile had just been taken away....so I kind of failed...and when he brought my keys back to me he asked me what was wrong, and I said nothing, and he asked again and I just looked at him and said "I got off early"...and he appologized, and said he didn't know, and told him that he did...so he appologized for forgetting, and I told him it was ok...and I meant it...it's not his fault...heh...I'm the one that isn't memorable...I'm truly used to it at this point.......at least this time he forgot because he was out with Jared, instead of forgetting because he was busy fucking little-miss "look at me, I'm going to be nice to you so that you won't think that all I want is to have your boyfriend because he's got the biggest freakin' dick I've ever seen in person before, and I know that he has to love me because I am fun and you are boring so I'm gonna prance around in a couple pieces of cloth that let my tits and ass hang out and hang all over him and talk shit about you when you are not there..." I'm sorry, that description was a little long, let me shorten it a bit: she is the girl whose legs Stephen has seemed all too happy to jump between any time she has opened them...the self-made waste of human flesh and blood that should never reproduce but due to her lifestyle inevitably will...Still not short enough?? ok, try this one: Joy. My feelings towards that proudly self-proclaimed bitch are wierd a mixture of pity, jealousy, and pure disgust. The sight of her sets me on edge, her voice sounds like nails down a chalkboard to my ears, and the thought of her and Stephen so much as being in the same room as each other (whether I am there or not) churns my stomach worse than drinking a pint of sour milk... and yet I find myself envying her because he finds her to be worth leaving me for...........but I am off topic...
Tonight Steve left with his friends, and about ten minutes later I left the theatre, just like I told him I would...and drove by Jared's...like I said I would...and all the lights were off...so I just assumed that they either weren't there or they didn't want any visitors...but I didn't go home, I didn't feel like it yet. So I drove around, paying no mind to where...and I soon found myself at a dead end...and at this dead end there was a park...a park I hadn't been to in a while...a park that had always let me just chill on the swing and think. I thought about many things. Obviously I thought about the above mentioned things...I thought about people and friendship and thought of a wonderful extended analogy between a human being and an island...I watched the stars go back and forth as I listened to the "clack clack" of the old chains of the swing as it swayed steadily back and forth. I thought about who I am, what I once was, and who I want to become. I thought about when I had first come to this park, and how the girl that came that night was so much different than then the one sitting on that swing tonight and yet somehow the same...and of course I thought about Stephen. A lot of things about Stephen...things that for the most part I can't tell him because he'll get pissed because I'm "throwing a guilt trip..." and there will be fighting and then lots of awkward, which I don't want. And I can't tell anyone else because the only people I would trust to talk to are either miles and miles away, constantly busy with their own problems, or I'm forbidden to talk to them... so it shall stay between me and my mind, bottled up even longer, and it seems that it is through this process that that bright, smiling, spastic girl that first came to that park gets locked deeper down inside so that I can be a little bit closer to being the woman that that boy needs...
When I finally walked through my front door, I found my dad sitting next to my sister, controller in hand, ready to play...her first question was "where's Steve?"...I about felt like crying, she was so disappointed...she had stayed up so late so that she could play a game with her two heroes....only to be sent to bed as soon as I came home...
so yea, a little after I started typing this I got a call...from Steve...he seemed upset that I didn't come and see him, and said that he had decided that when I stopped by to say goodnight that he was going to come home with me...I told him I was sorry....and I felt like crap...but then part of me thought "yea, Steve, feeling forgotten and waiting for someone that never comes hurts like a bitch doesn't it?"....and immediately after I thought that I felt like uber shit...and then I thought about it and realized that even if he had come home with me I would have felt like shit b/c I'd feel like I guilted him into it...bleh...I don't know....I hate my overactive guilt gene...and I'm tired, and I want chocolate...so I'm gonna stop now...
Oh, and be not mistaken, I'm not bitching about Stephen...I love him with all of my heart, I really do...I'm just venting...those who know me know that I have mood swings such as these...but I'm going to bed now...
*peace*
~D~
5.02.2006
Mood of the Moment: broken
Music of the Moment: none, I don't want to wake Steve up
Of all the things I want...he is what I want most...
but it's like I'm in love with 5 different guys...all trapped in one body...and only one of them is in love with me...
another one is just a horn-dog...another it a complete and utter ass-hole...another is a tormented and broken soul...and another still has a heart that belongs to some girl that I've never met...
there are more too...but those are the main ones...
I'd do anything to know that he'd never feel hurt again...
yet at times he seems almost proud of his abilities to hurt me....
I don't know what to do...
I'm so scared of hurting him...
and so sacred of being hurt...
*sigh*...I have to go to school now....
pray for me...
Much Love,
~D~
Music of the Moment: none, I don't want to wake Steve up
Of all the things I want...he is what I want most...
but it's like I'm in love with 5 different guys...all trapped in one body...and only one of them is in love with me...
another one is just a horn-dog...another it a complete and utter ass-hole...another is a tormented and broken soul...and another still has a heart that belongs to some girl that I've never met...
there are more too...but those are the main ones...
I'd do anything to know that he'd never feel hurt again...
yet at times he seems almost proud of his abilities to hurt me....
I don't know what to do...
I'm so scared of hurting him...
and so sacred of being hurt...
*sigh*...I have to go to school now....
pray for me...
Much Love,
~D~
