5.25.2005
Mood of the Moment: lost
Music of the Moment: Sarah McLachlan...'tis what I usually listen to if I am sad or upset
So many things...all floating around aimlessly in my head...no point in them actually being there...I'm not getting any closer to the answers...if anything I just keep getting further....but I can seem to find no way out. The way that I used to use is no longer available to me...I used to have someone to dump my things on...and they would come back with an amazingly simple answer to everything...and for some reason even if someone else had said it it didn't make sense until this person said it...but never again shall that option be available. Why? Because she is dead. Heh....that sucks...
I think too much, I question too much...these are things that I know...but as someone dear to me would say: It's in my nature...I can't change it. It's like I am in some great hall and at one end is a series of panels of glass, all with questions etched into them, either to myself or other people, and I cant get out unless all of the are smashed, but I cant even crack any of them unless the question that is etched into it is answered....a drastic analogy, I know....but it gets the point across...so many questions...to so many different people....about so many different things...
Should I give him a try? The guy that tries....who actually seems to care...the guy that I've known for so many years...and just never saw? Should I give him a try? Can love actually be learned? Is love there, and I just dont see it yet? If I wait until I am over....someone else...will it be too late? Will I ever actually reach that point, or will I just have to deal with it? Is there really any hope there? That is something I doubt...only a fools hope....so why can I not get rid of it? Why do I keep reminding myself of a moth to a flame? The next day...was it really going to be the next day? I'm really not sure if that makes the thought better or worse...to know that something I wanted so bad was so close, but ruined so quickly, and now all hope is gone... I think it was better thinking no hope ever existed. So that is what I will do...if hope is gone, then it does me no good to think there ever was any hope to begin with....so I wont. I shall give my attention to the one who tries for it...I shall try to give him my love as well...for he is the only one that will take it...
"Glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go"
Yea...so, I appologize for the little "stream-of-conciousness" blurb...I tend to do that occasionally...If you didn't understand any of it, good, you weren't supposed to....if you did...then you are one of only a few, and I am sorry....I just sort of ran out of my pages in my actual journal, and have yet to get a new one...and I needed somewhere to put that where I would be able tho find it when I look back later...
On top of those and many other questions is this not-so-good thought: If we cant come up with 3000 dollars in 30 days...my family will be evicted. Those of you that know me, know that there is really no way to come up with 3000 dollars in 30 days. I hate this house...but I dont want to be forced to leave it like that...not with Olivia and Josh...not like that...I dont know what will happen...but I know that earning over 10o dollars a day every single day at the job my dad is at is neigh impossible...so I ask anyone reading this that prays to pray for my family...don't worry about me....just pray for my family...
That is all for now, for I am tired, and I am going to bed now so that I can not sleep...
Much Love,
DeAnna
"This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry..."
Music of the Moment: Sarah McLachlan...'tis what I usually listen to if I am sad or upset
So many things...all floating around aimlessly in my head...no point in them actually being there...I'm not getting any closer to the answers...if anything I just keep getting further....but I can seem to find no way out. The way that I used to use is no longer available to me...I used to have someone to dump my things on...and they would come back with an amazingly simple answer to everything...and for some reason even if someone else had said it it didn't make sense until this person said it...but never again shall that option be available. Why? Because she is dead. Heh....that sucks...
I think too much, I question too much...these are things that I know...but as someone dear to me would say: It's in my nature...I can't change it. It's like I am in some great hall and at one end is a series of panels of glass, all with questions etched into them, either to myself or other people, and I cant get out unless all of the are smashed, but I cant even crack any of them unless the question that is etched into it is answered....a drastic analogy, I know....but it gets the point across...so many questions...to so many different people....about so many different things...
Should I give him a try? The guy that tries....who actually seems to care...the guy that I've known for so many years...and just never saw? Should I give him a try? Can love actually be learned? Is love there, and I just dont see it yet? If I wait until I am over....someone else...will it be too late? Will I ever actually reach that point, or will I just have to deal with it? Is there really any hope there? That is something I doubt...only a fools hope....so why can I not get rid of it? Why do I keep reminding myself of a moth to a flame? The next day...was it really going to be the next day? I'm really not sure if that makes the thought better or worse...to know that something I wanted so bad was so close, but ruined so quickly, and now all hope is gone... I think it was better thinking no hope ever existed. So that is what I will do...if hope is gone, then it does me no good to think there ever was any hope to begin with....so I wont. I shall give my attention to the one who tries for it...I shall try to give him my love as well...for he is the only one that will take it...
"Glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize
That I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go"
Yea...so, I appologize for the little "stream-of-conciousness" blurb...I tend to do that occasionally...If you didn't understand any of it, good, you weren't supposed to....if you did...then you are one of only a few, and I am sorry....I just sort of ran out of my pages in my actual journal, and have yet to get a new one...and I needed somewhere to put that where I would be able tho find it when I look back later...
On top of those and many other questions is this not-so-good thought: If we cant come up with 3000 dollars in 30 days...my family will be evicted. Those of you that know me, know that there is really no way to come up with 3000 dollars in 30 days. I hate this house...but I dont want to be forced to leave it like that...not with Olivia and Josh...not like that...I dont know what will happen...but I know that earning over 10o dollars a day every single day at the job my dad is at is neigh impossible...so I ask anyone reading this that prays to pray for my family...don't worry about me....just pray for my family...
That is all for now, for I am tired, and I am going to bed now so that I can not sleep...
Much Love,
DeAnna
"This is what it sounds like,
When doves cry..."
# posted by DeAnna : 10:44 PM
