4.29.2005
Mood of the Moment:"warning: Eyes could spring a leak @ any moment!"
Music of the Moment: Every sad song in the book
ok, so the other night when I said I was going to be mad because it was better than being sad?? Yea, well, the plan failed, and sadness has occured, and is still occuring. And sitting here in this house isn't helping. I get few breaks from lectures/arguments, and when I do all I end up doing is thinking about everything that I need to not think about. I cant leave, it is unbearable to stay. Even if I could leave, where would I go? There is nowhere. There was a time once where there was at least one place I felt welcome...even wanted...now that has faded along with so many other things. Huh, they all seemed to leave at the same time...isn't that convenient? Things just seem to be worsening now, and I am terrified of what is to come. I hate listening to rumors/gossip, but I do know a truth, for sure, the problem is that I hear two variations of it....and I want SO BADLY to believe one...but it is the other one that sounds more true. Why does it sound more true? Why that is easy...because it is the more hurtful of the two, and it therefore sounds like something that would happen to me, especially if it involves the person in question. I really do appologize for my ambiguity, I use it now simply because my delimma is based on what I've heard, and therefore no names should yet be revealed....
*wipes tear...*GEEZ, here I am stressing over my problems when I need to be concerned about other things...I need to find dear Shelly so that I might try to comfort her in her time of need, but It is too late to call her and she is not online. I recieved her email and it is probrobly the most sad email I have ever recieved. You see, dear Shelly was robbed. An obviously blind person decided that she was not to attend NCSA. I recieved an email that simply stated "I didn't get in". So, Shelly, if you read this before I next reach you, then know this: There are few great and talented artists that were recognized during their lifetimes as such. Any artist who was admired by all in their lifetime created works that were beautiful in their time, but hardly remembered. However, that which is called a masterpiece today, was most likely referred to as a talentless doodle when it was created. Your only problem is being ahead of your time, and tell me, what kind of problem is that? (ah yes, and also know that I am currently tracking down the person/people that made the decision so that they may be properly flogged :)...) I <3>
ok, so do you want to hear an actually entertaining part of my day? I wore fishnets today, right, but I never wear shoes unless I have to. Therefore, my feet always get dirty on the bottom. Today, however, when I took off my fishnets, I had this nifty little pattern on the bottom of my foot, which I found entertaining. Sad, huh? But it's the best I got...
I've come to the conclusion that I am thought of as an interim companion. It makes sense. I am there between friendships, or significant others, just until the next real one appears, then my services are no longer needed. It is that point that I am free to exit that persons life, having done my job. It works perfectly, and everyone is happy...well, except for me of course....but that doesn't matter, because of my place in the world. *sigh* that nun thing is looking better and better everyday...I mean hey, if your lot in life is to have no companionship other than God and false friends, why not just cut out the latter? It makes sense. *sigh*...*tear*...Well, if by any chance you are some atypical person that does in fact care for me at all, I love you. If you are someone that hates me and wishes that you could watch me die a thousand painful deaths, I love you, too. If you are anywhere in between, I love you as well.
But I am tired of typing at the moment, I am going to go watch the saddest movie I own now, simply because that is the mood I am in. I will feel better tomorrow, so no worries. Love to all,
Beaucoup D'Amour,
DeAnna
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
^to him^
Music of the Moment: Every sad song in the book
ok, so the other night when I said I was going to be mad because it was better than being sad?? Yea, well, the plan failed, and sadness has occured, and is still occuring. And sitting here in this house isn't helping. I get few breaks from lectures/arguments, and when I do all I end up doing is thinking about everything that I need to not think about. I cant leave, it is unbearable to stay. Even if I could leave, where would I go? There is nowhere. There was a time once where there was at least one place I felt welcome...even wanted...now that has faded along with so many other things. Huh, they all seemed to leave at the same time...isn't that convenient? Things just seem to be worsening now, and I am terrified of what is to come. I hate listening to rumors/gossip, but I do know a truth, for sure, the problem is that I hear two variations of it....and I want SO BADLY to believe one...but it is the other one that sounds more true. Why does it sound more true? Why that is easy...because it is the more hurtful of the two, and it therefore sounds like something that would happen to me, especially if it involves the person in question. I really do appologize for my ambiguity, I use it now simply because my delimma is based on what I've heard, and therefore no names should yet be revealed....
*wipes tear...*GEEZ, here I am stressing over my problems when I need to be concerned about other things...I need to find dear Shelly so that I might try to comfort her in her time of need, but It is too late to call her and she is not online. I recieved her email and it is probrobly the most sad email I have ever recieved. You see, dear Shelly was robbed. An obviously blind person decided that she was not to attend NCSA. I recieved an email that simply stated "I didn't get in". So, Shelly, if you read this before I next reach you, then know this: There are few great and talented artists that were recognized during their lifetimes as such. Any artist who was admired by all in their lifetime created works that were beautiful in their time, but hardly remembered. However, that which is called a masterpiece today, was most likely referred to as a talentless doodle when it was created. Your only problem is being ahead of your time, and tell me, what kind of problem is that? (ah yes, and also know that I am currently tracking down the person/people that made the decision so that they may be properly flogged :)...) I <3>
ok, so do you want to hear an actually entertaining part of my day? I wore fishnets today, right, but I never wear shoes unless I have to. Therefore, my feet always get dirty on the bottom. Today, however, when I took off my fishnets, I had this nifty little pattern on the bottom of my foot, which I found entertaining. Sad, huh? But it's the best I got...
I've come to the conclusion that I am thought of as an interim companion. It makes sense. I am there between friendships, or significant others, just until the next real one appears, then my services are no longer needed. It is that point that I am free to exit that persons life, having done my job. It works perfectly, and everyone is happy...well, except for me of course....but that doesn't matter, because of my place in the world. *sigh* that nun thing is looking better and better everyday...I mean hey, if your lot in life is to have no companionship other than God and false friends, why not just cut out the latter? It makes sense. *sigh*...*tear*...Well, if by any chance you are some atypical person that does in fact care for me at all, I love you. If you are someone that hates me and wishes that you could watch me die a thousand painful deaths, I love you, too. If you are anywhere in between, I love you as well.
But I am tired of typing at the moment, I am going to go watch the saddest movie I own now, simply because that is the mood I am in. I will feel better tomorrow, so no worries. Love to all,
Beaucoup D'Amour,
DeAnna
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
^to him^
# posted by DeAnna : 10:00 PM
