3.16.2005
Does anybody even read this anymore? Does anybody even care what I have to say? How I feel? If I even exist?? I dont know. I dont know if any such person exists. I dont know that anyone cares that I do exist. I just dont know...
Actually, I do know, I know that if I was to vanish, to disappear.....nobody would care. If I was to die today, there would be nobody standing at my grave sometime down the road saying that they miss me. Nobody would miss me. People smile more when I am not around. I try so hard to make those I love happy, but I fail. It is my mere presence that offends. And for that I appologize.
I still don't understand. I don't know why everyone has decided that I cannot be trusted. Of all the things that I have wrong with me, dishonesty is not one of them. Everybody lies, to say that I've never lied to anyone would be a lie in itself...but I do my best, and try my hardest not to. If I do, generally it takes no more than a day before I break down and tell that truth. It's hard for me. Do I lie now? Yes....I lie everyday when I smile, or say I'm ok. The smile is fake, and I'm not ok. the smile has been fake for a while....and since yesterday I'm not ok. Everytime I meet someone new, I give them my love without question, and with it a piece of my heart. I fr some reason believe that people will treat it and me with care, but I guess not. There really is not much left for me to give, and yet I cant help but give it fully.
So many things, so many things have gone horribly wrong, and I cant fix any of them. Everything seems to have come upon me at once, and I can't stop any of them. Just when I think nothing more can happen...it does, and it comes out of nowhere, and I can't stop them!!!!
I have to go, I must stop.....Know that I love you all....provided anybody reads this.....
"The best part was loving you.
The worst part was letting you go.
The hardest part was watching you never come back..."
"I'm gonna draw a picture,
a picture with a twist.
I'll draw it with a razor blade.
I'll draw it on my wrist.
As I draw this picture,
A fountain will appear
My troubles disappear..."
What would you think if you discovered that the last time you spoke to me was the last time you ever will?
wanna find out...?
Actually, I do know, I know that if I was to vanish, to disappear.....nobody would care. If I was to die today, there would be nobody standing at my grave sometime down the road saying that they miss me. Nobody would miss me. People smile more when I am not around. I try so hard to make those I love happy, but I fail. It is my mere presence that offends. And for that I appologize.
I still don't understand. I don't know why everyone has decided that I cannot be trusted. Of all the things that I have wrong with me, dishonesty is not one of them. Everybody lies, to say that I've never lied to anyone would be a lie in itself...but I do my best, and try my hardest not to. If I do, generally it takes no more than a day before I break down and tell that truth. It's hard for me. Do I lie now? Yes....I lie everyday when I smile, or say I'm ok. The smile is fake, and I'm not ok. the smile has been fake for a while....and since yesterday I'm not ok. Everytime I meet someone new, I give them my love without question, and with it a piece of my heart. I fr some reason believe that people will treat it and me with care, but I guess not. There really is not much left for me to give, and yet I cant help but give it fully.
So many things, so many things have gone horribly wrong, and I cant fix any of them. Everything seems to have come upon me at once, and I can't stop any of them. Just when I think nothing more can happen...it does, and it comes out of nowhere, and I can't stop them!!!!
I have to go, I must stop.....Know that I love you all....provided anybody reads this.....
"The best part was loving you.
The worst part was letting you go.
The hardest part was watching you never come back..."
"I'm gonna draw a picture,
a picture with a twist.
I'll draw it with a razor blade.
I'll draw it on my wrist.
As I draw this picture,
A fountain will appear
My troubles disappear..."
What would you think if you discovered that the last time you spoke to me was the last time you ever will?
wanna find out...?
# posted by DeAnna : 1:50 PM
