12.14.2006
I finally found it...
hmph.
And all this time I thought this time I wouldn't.
Silly me.
ah well...
"Such is the bread of an everyday life
From morning to noon,
to the shadowless night..."
****
completely different subject:
I want to be forgiven, but haven't the balls to ask.
lessons have been learned.
all but the big one.
I've been told to swallow my pride,
but I keep choking on it instead.
Oh well...
guess you reap what you sew.
~D~
hmph.
And all this time I thought this time I wouldn't.
Silly me.
ah well...
"Such is the bread of an everyday life
From morning to noon,
to the shadowless night..."
****
completely different subject:
I want to be forgiven, but haven't the balls to ask.
lessons have been learned.
all but the big one.
I've been told to swallow my pride,
but I keep choking on it instead.
Oh well...
guess you reap what you sew.
~D~
12.05.2006
I lost a piece of me in you; I think I left it in your arms. I forget the reasons I got scared, But remember that I cared quite a lot. You see but lately I've been on my own. Yeah one, but one by choice. You see, thats a first for me, There's only me, yeah theres only me, And now I realize for once, It's just me. It's just me. It's just me, And I'll find a way to make it, There's no one left to stop me. Here I go. Can we take it from the top? So why so long? So sad, I wanna be strong. Don't try to take this from me. I'm already spent living half my life undone So why so long? So sad, I wanna be strong. Don't try to take this from me. I've already spent my life living half undone. I've been talking to my aunts and uncles, mom and dad again. I've been finding out that I have what this world calls friends. I've tried to push them all away, They push me back and wanna stay And that's one good thing I have. I'm gonna feel a peace in me, I'm gonna feel at home. I'm gonna make this cloud above me disappear, be gone. I wanna feel a punch inside, my heart beat on the floor. I don't wanna hurt no more. Yeah it's just me. It's just me And i'll find a way to make it. There's no one left to stop me. Here i go, can we take it from the top? So why so long? So sad, I wanna be strong. Don't try to take her from me. I've already spent my life living half undone. So why so long? So sad, i wanna be strong. Don't try to take her from me. I've already spent my life living half undone. I used to be the one who won before. I used to smile but dont no more. I'm living just to watch it all go by-Blue October, hidden track
^^Go find that song, it's beautiful.
Anyway, to the topic at hand, and now that I think about it, this goes along pretty well with the song. I have been bitter. Those of you that know me know what I mean. Those of you who know me well know that I really haven't been bitter at all. Ok, this seems really random right now, but give me time to explain (jennifer, dear, I know you probably know all of this already, we've gone over it so many times before...). Ok, so, bitterness, stand-offishness, etc., it is my way of getting people to back off when I am trying to figure stuff out. I don't like people prying into my head when I myself do not know what they might find. Most people look to other people when they hit hard places, or even just confusing places, or places where they are just so used to being part of something else that they don't really know how to stand on their own anymore. I know because more than once I have been the person who recieved a call at 3am wit someone blubbering unintelligibly on the other end. I thrive under those conditions. I thrive as the hand that helps someone up, and to embrace them once they are standing again. The noble prize ain't got nothin' on that feeble but true smile that sneaks in between two tear stained cheeks of someone I care about because they can finally see that it will get better, and more importantly, they are loved. That fleeting moment fills me with more accomplishment than any prestigious award ever could. I, however, cannot stand to be that person. I don't really know why. It is not that I look down upon anyone who seeks help with the avalanches that come their way. If anything I almost envy them. I almost wish that I had the ability to break-down and cry, or to simply let it be known to the world that there are things that rip me apart, that terrify me beyond measure(and I'm not just talking about dolls). But I don't, because my greatest fear is most definately fear itself, and isn't it a terrifying thought that your greatest fear actually resides within you?That's a whole other topic, *ooh, look, a flutterby...*, back to the point: Bitterness apeared in my life a while back, for very obvious and yet very wierd reasons all at the same time. Stephen. (this is the part where I take a moment to let everyone know that I am not attempting to bash Steve in any way, and even if I was, it is out here for him to read if he chooses, and not whispered behind his back like the people that I see that sing his praises when he is around, only to call him all sorts of nasty names when he walks away, just as I am sure they do the same thing to me, hence my growing dislike for people) Anyway, if you don't know at this point, Steve and I were together for a long time, then we weren't anymore. Period. This would throw the greatest stoic on the planet for a loop, I guarantee you. I somehow found, however, that after about a week apart I was actually smiling more than I had been towards the end of our relationship. I am positive that this is for the simple reason that the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, and thus causing the one I cared for most to yell at and call me all sorts of obscenities at a volume that nearly made my ears bleed, was gone. Also, as terrified as I was of the thought that most of my friends would go poof and take "his side", I found that the thought of standing alone wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I did have an emmense feeling of inequity, the feeling that one inevitably gets after miserably failing to do one thing that they have dedicated themselves to for nearly a year. And on top of this came the bitterness, the disdain for any mention of happy moments spent with him. This bitterness was best described as "unbecoming" of me. An adequate description. But at the time I was sure I needed it. I was sure I needed a hatred of the beautiful moments for fear that I would miss them and long for their return, and that that longing would consume more than my newly rediscovered independance. And so it became that I was a bitter little girl. That is what this is really about, that bitterness, and how it is now leaving. It's been fading quite a lot lately, as some might have noticed. And in all truth, I simply felt like sharing. I also wanted to dispell any thoughts that I hated my ex. I hate the way things turned out, the fact that a normal friendship seems like it'd be nearly impossible now. I hate someof the things that he has done since then, mostly because I knew they would end up hurting him later down the road. I hate the feelings of ineptitude that still appear sometimes, but I do not, have not, and will never hate Steve. I guess what this is is my proclamation of closure, of absolution, if you will. That moment when I finally say truthfully that all of the issues banging around in my head are resolved, that I no longer place the blame completely on myself nor do I point the finger at him. Nor do regret the attempt to make it work, or hate the wonderful memories that I have from it. This is the final verse to this chapter.Fin.
~D~
^^Go find that song, it's beautiful.
Anyway, to the topic at hand, and now that I think about it, this goes along pretty well with the song. I have been bitter. Those of you that know me know what I mean. Those of you who know me well know that I really haven't been bitter at all. Ok, this seems really random right now, but give me time to explain (jennifer, dear, I know you probably know all of this already, we've gone over it so many times before...). Ok, so, bitterness, stand-offishness, etc., it is my way of getting people to back off when I am trying to figure stuff out. I don't like people prying into my head when I myself do not know what they might find. Most people look to other people when they hit hard places, or even just confusing places, or places where they are just so used to being part of something else that they don't really know how to stand on their own anymore. I know because more than once I have been the person who recieved a call at 3am wit someone blubbering unintelligibly on the other end. I thrive under those conditions. I thrive as the hand that helps someone up, and to embrace them once they are standing again. The noble prize ain't got nothin' on that feeble but true smile that sneaks in between two tear stained cheeks of someone I care about because they can finally see that it will get better, and more importantly, they are loved. That fleeting moment fills me with more accomplishment than any prestigious award ever could. I, however, cannot stand to be that person. I don't really know why. It is not that I look down upon anyone who seeks help with the avalanches that come their way. If anything I almost envy them. I almost wish that I had the ability to break-down and cry, or to simply let it be known to the world that there are things that rip me apart, that terrify me beyond measure(and I'm not just talking about dolls). But I don't, because my greatest fear is most definately fear itself, and isn't it a terrifying thought that your greatest fear actually resides within you?That's a whole other topic, *ooh, look, a flutterby...*, back to the point: Bitterness apeared in my life a while back, for very obvious and yet very wierd reasons all at the same time. Stephen. (this is the part where I take a moment to let everyone know that I am not attempting to bash Steve in any way, and even if I was, it is out here for him to read if he chooses, and not whispered behind his back like the people that I see that sing his praises when he is around, only to call him all sorts of nasty names when he walks away, just as I am sure they do the same thing to me, hence my growing dislike for people) Anyway, if you don't know at this point, Steve and I were together for a long time, then we weren't anymore. Period. This would throw the greatest stoic on the planet for a loop, I guarantee you. I somehow found, however, that after about a week apart I was actually smiling more than I had been towards the end of our relationship. I am positive that this is for the simple reason that the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, and thus causing the one I cared for most to yell at and call me all sorts of obscenities at a volume that nearly made my ears bleed, was gone. Also, as terrified as I was of the thought that most of my friends would go poof and take "his side", I found that the thought of standing alone wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I did have an emmense feeling of inequity, the feeling that one inevitably gets after miserably failing to do one thing that they have dedicated themselves to for nearly a year. And on top of this came the bitterness, the disdain for any mention of happy moments spent with him. This bitterness was best described as "unbecoming" of me. An adequate description. But at the time I was sure I needed it. I was sure I needed a hatred of the beautiful moments for fear that I would miss them and long for their return, and that that longing would consume more than my newly rediscovered independance. And so it became that I was a bitter little girl. That is what this is really about, that bitterness, and how it is now leaving. It's been fading quite a lot lately, as some might have noticed. And in all truth, I simply felt like sharing. I also wanted to dispell any thoughts that I hated my ex. I hate the way things turned out, the fact that a normal friendship seems like it'd be nearly impossible now. I hate someof the things that he has done since then, mostly because I knew they would end up hurting him later down the road. I hate the feelings of ineptitude that still appear sometimes, but I do not, have not, and will never hate Steve. I guess what this is is my proclamation of closure, of absolution, if you will. That moment when I finally say truthfully that all of the issues banging around in my head are resolved, that I no longer place the blame completely on myself nor do I point the finger at him. Nor do regret the attempt to make it work, or hate the wonderful memories that I have from it. This is the final verse to this chapter.Fin.
~D~
